How to survive the festive season in Cyril Ramaphosa's tough economy

Apparently, our economy is picking up again. I guess someone forgot to tell some of our bank accounts.

The festive season is upon us, but if you're the average South African (ie you're not super rich or spending your children's future generational wealth at Taboo and on BMWs - tut tut), then you're feeling the pinch and can't afford to go over the top and to "Dezemba" too much.

But who said you need lots of money to have fun? Here are six ways to survive the festive season in Cyril Ramaphosa's tough economy:

1. BE A PROFFESSIONAL DINNER GUEST

The great thing about the festive season is that a lot of people turn into party hosts. So why not nab invites to as many dinners, lunches and parties as possible so that you can eat for free? Be pleasant company and make people want to have you in their homes. Just have some manners and at least show up with a bottle of wine.

2. BETTER YET, ATTEND WEDDINGS

You're going to need a suit, some Tupperware and a bunch of engaged friends for this one. Once you have the ingredients, attend as many weddings as possible. Fill your skhaftin with treats and pilfer a couple of bottles of table wine. By New Year's your larder will be bursting at the seams and your bar will be well stocked with partially drunk wines.

The only drawback is having to buy wedding gifts. We suggest cleverly repackaging all the corporate bric-a-brac you've accumulated over the course of the year and then not putting your name on it. That way when you walk in, it looks like you have brought something and by the time the bride and groom unwrap their new power bank with an accounting firm's logo on it, you will have escaped with your loot.

3. ATTEND FUNERALS (MORBID, WE KNOW)

Free food on Saturdays. No one even asks who you are because there are so many randoms at (black) funerals anyway.

4. SHOP WITHOUT DROPPING A CENT

No, this isn't a reference to shoplifting. Instead, we're talking about online shopping to your heart's content, adding every item you desire to your cart - and then abandoning the cart. Unless you're an actual shopping addict, you'll get the rush of shopping without a single rand leaving your account. 

5. GET A HOLIDAY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND

Our politicians like to vilify them but glucose guardians are not all that bad, especially when the bill comes around. The key here is to remember not to give the cow away for free and then ask your polysaccharide parent (that's sugar daddy or sugar mommy) to pay for milk.

6. BECOME A MONK OF SOME VARIETY

It isn't a coincidence that monks and nuns seem generally happy but don't have the same problems that we do when December comes around. Abstinence from money is a time- tested way to learn how not to need it. Go and fetch some loose-fitting clothing, stop speaking and leave the rest to your god of choice. He/she always provides.