LOL! What we REALLY want to hear from Tito Mboweni's budget speech

1. ALL THE MONEY IS PAID BACK

We’re still waiting for you-know-who to pay back the money. Wouldn’t it be nice if Mboweni could announce that not only had JZ made good on his debts, but also the nice people at Bosasa were just joking about liquidation and have plenty of cash in their safe left to give back to the country?

Oh, and Atul Gupta sent a cheque so that’s all good too — sure most of it would probably go straight to Eskom but a few million stuffed into Louis Vuitton handbags would be nice.

2. FILL UP THE CABINET WITH CASSPER NYOVEST  

Rapper Cassper Nyovest once wrote a song about our current finance minister, which according to reports at the time, caused the man no end of stress and public humiliation.

But hey, now that Nyovest has declared himself the greatest rapper ever to come out of South Africa, filled up the FNB stadium, wowed audiences at the Global Citizen concert and hung out with international celebrities, he may be just the representative the minister needs to fill up the coffers and attract foreign direct investment.

Hell, it might just be the announcement that the rapper has been teasing on his social media ahead of the budget speech. Either that or he’s releasing Tito Mboweni 2.0 …

3. LET’S GET HIGH ON OUR OWN SUPPLY

Things are tough, times are tight, the rest of the world is not too happy about all the revelations of the Zondo and other commissions. So if we’re realistically going to be asked to tighten our belts for the good of the nation, can we at least have a little weed to help us get through this thing, whatever it is?

Taxing marijuana production would also be a good source of income for government, and as long as it’s properly legal and we can light up like Canadians, would we really complain dude?

4. A LOTTO WIN FOR ONE IS A LOTTO WIN FOR ALL

Sure, the money collected from the National Lottery flows back into the fiscus and social projects, but maybe instead of being jealous next time we hear of some lucky person who just won a R232m Powerball jackpot, Mboweni could swing it so that there’s a little trickle down for all of us – I mean what’s that winner really going to do with all that money? Help your brothers and sisters out. There’s plenty enough to go around in these difficult, pocket-shrinking times and you know, South Africans, we love to share.

5. ADD THIS TO SIN TAX

Finally, as all smokers and drinkers know, the budget is always a moment for seeing just how much more we have to pay for our sins than last year — and no doubt this year will be no exception.

It would be great though if Mboweni were to add a few more sins to the sin-tax category — corrupt officials for instance — how about we give you the option of pilfering the coffers, but you have to pay a hefty price in increased bribe tax and deductions in the amounts of cash stuffed into your handbags? Let’s all benefit from the ill gains of corruption more directly — then we can cheer our nefarious heroes on, knowing full well we’ll all be getting some of that Bosasa bonus money.