Beyoncé, Jada: celeb-approved ways to get revenge on your cheating spouse

Dear Agony Aunty,

So, I have a famous friend. Let's call her NG for short. Her husband is a natty dresser and a smooth talker — tjo, he can quote Kendrick Lamar even — and is prominent in certain bling political and social circles. Some say he's even prominent on PornHub, though, of course, I don't ring the Devil's Doorbell so I've never checked.

But NG? She keeps taking him back after crushing public humiliations. A sextape was leaked where he was saying stuff like "Imagine this in your mouth" to some side chick. I bet she'd rather have imagined a nice chop in her mouth maybe washed down with some pinotage but she probably didn't say. That's girlfriends for you.

Anyway, just like that, NG is all over the news for keying her husband's ride: A Merc G-Wagon. She's also been accused of conspiring to have him, you know, whacked as they say in Mafia movies. Even the Hawks arrested her, and that's hectic because they haven't even arrested Boity for crimes against fashion, although I suppose they're kept too busy with marital disputes.

It's mad that they think she's capable of planning anything that might hypothetically end in a tiny 50-person funeral with not so much as a Putco bus in sight — I mean hardly worth the effort, shem.

Is it time to say goodbye to my friendship? Help!

Signed: Friend of a Famous Friend

Dear F of a FF,

I hope you don't have your judgy face on. So your friend may or may not have entertained the notion of having her errant husband silenced permanently? Is there a woman alive who hasn't planned what they'd wear to their man's funeral if, say, the handrail in the double-volume area was, say, mysteriously loosened after he rolled home smelling like Johnnie Walker Blue and Eau de Tramp?

I'm thinking a Balenciaga black dress. And high black shoes, with classic Revlon Red lipstick and Clarins waterproof eyeliner. Not that I've thought about it much personally ...

You show me a woman who hasn't casually suggested over Sunday breakfast with her babalaas husband that perhaps it's time he updates his will and I'll show you a wife who'll soon need the services of a financial planner.

You could, of course, suggest to your friend that there are a number of ways to "kill" off a man without risking forking out for a hot-shot advocate to get you off.

1. The Elin Nordegren/Tiger Woods Hard Hit:

Elin terminated Tiger psychologically after first klapping him with his own nine iron. Poof went his sports endorsements when his multiple infidelities hit the media. She took her part — $100m — of their sport winnings, partied with billionaires and met her new baby daddy while Tiger was drying out in sex addiction clinics. Triple bogey, baby. Tiger is still in the rough 11 years later, not quite back with his comeback. He's breathing, sure. But only just. Fore!

2. The Beyoncé/Jay-Z Soft Slaughter:

Beyoncé dropped Lemonade after Jay-Z cheated, displaying star-quality grit. Fans cheered when they discovered why his sister-in-law moered him in that lift and jeered so "Becky with the good hair" had to go into hiding. In the music video Beyoncé smashes multiple cars with a baseball bat. No mere key. She said Jay-Z cried like a baby when she demanded a divorce. She played him like a piano. "I'd rather be crazy than walked over," she sang. "I don't deserve you," he responded. Maybe not. But he'll spend his life trying. Boom!

3. The Jada Pinkett/Will Smith Entanglement Exterminator: (Warning: Advanced lesson.)

Maybe Jada and Will had an open relationship and maybe they didn't, but let's face it, Will and Margot Robbie looked pretty cosy not too long ago. And Jada? Well, Jada just admitted to an "entanglement" with 22-year-old singer August Alsina during a separation from Will. Is Will going to agree to another separation any time soon? Oh no. And now the couple are tighter than an ex-finance minister's budget. Love your work, Jada.

Finally, F of a FF, I'm thinking NG needs you like she needs another expensive advocate to make a threesome, so maybe it's time to say "Goodbye Noma G".

You could do some good before you go: remind NG's husband of the saying: "Happy wife, happy life". Otherwise, as Tiger et al discovered, it may be life, boy, but not as he knows it.

• Nia Magoulianiti-McGregor is the author of 'How to Marry a Politician and Survive'.