Christmas gifts: Here's what suits SA's famous and influential people

What is the ideal Christmas gift for the man at the helm of SA? If you are a cheeky, politically savvy puppet, it’s a “backbone” that Chester Missing would put under President Cyril Ramaphosa’s Christmas tree on Friday. He said it could be used for ANC national executive committee meetings.

Tongue firmly in cheek, we asked comedians to suggest presents for eminent people — and they were comically generous. For ANC secretary-general Ace Magashule, who has been charged with fraud, corruption and money laundering, Missing suggested “bail money”.

And deputy chief justice Raymond Zondo, who is locked in a battle to get Jacob Zuma to give evidence at the state capture commission, could give the ex-president a happy Christmas by accepting his Facebook friendship request.

A “tax clearance certificate” would be a fitting gift for fugitive self-proclaimed prophet Shepherd Bushiri, said Missing, while DA chair Helen Zille needed a “history lesson”.

Musician AKA would benefit from “more acronyms”, and finance minister Tito Mboweni, who is keen on sharing his home-cooked recipes with Twitter followers, should get a tin of pilchards.

Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout said it was difficult for her to suggest Christmas gifts. “How can I buy presents for comrades in Luthuli House? They’ve already spent most of my money,” she said.

Comedian Khanyisa Bunu suggested a CD of Beyoncé’s 2011 album 4, containing the track I Miss You, for former DA leader Mmusi Maimane. “On behalf of all South Africans, we miss Mmusi Maimane’s voice,” she said.

Bunu recommended a spa voucher for Duduzane Zuma, whose astonishing walking skills broke the internet when they featured in a video early this month and sparked the #DuduzaneChallenge.

“I suggest a holiday with full-body spa somewhere by the beach. He must be exhausted from all the trending on social media,” said Bunu.

She also remembered Zille. “I suggest a retirement all-expenses-paid package at an estate of her choice. I think she needs to take a permanent leave from politics,” said Bunu.

And for business mogul Patrice Motsepe, who owns SA’s most successful Premier Soccer League club, she said: “A Christmas card with thank-you messages from all Sundowns supporters will be ideal. That man gave Sundowns a voice. I did not even know Sundowns had supporters. Now they can’t stop talking on social media.”

Nik Rabinowitz said under Magashule’s Christmas tree he would put “two golden handcuffs, one golden handshake and a pardon in a pear tree”.

And for Bushiri, he suggested “three wise men bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and more [passports].”Rabinowitz suggested a trip for Zuma on Bushiri’s private jet.

“A one-way ticket out of SA for Zuma on the Bushiri Express and a Christmas card from Tony Gupta [the boring one] with the account number of that Swiss bank account the Guptas promised to set up for him,” he said.

If chief justice Mogoeng Mogoeng is allowed to accept presents, said Rabinowitz, he would get “a bespoke corona vaccine made from 100% holy water”.As for DA politicians, “they already have privilege” so no presents were necessary.

“But if we have to, then a BA degree for [party leader] John Steenhuisen, so [EFF leader] Julius [Malema] will stop being mean to him.”

The US and Russian presidents were also remembered on the Cape Town comedian’s list.“For Donald Trump, I suggest a rip in the fabric of space and time, causing reality to shift and align with his bonkers crazy cuckoo pants version of it.

“Also, Santa to acknowledge that he is totally winning [the naughty list].“And for Vladimir Putin, a new Donald Trump, but better, and less of a loser. And with bigger hands, for wrapping around Putin’s manly biceps.”