Xmas gifts for politicians? Anything but a new sofa for Ramaphosa, say comedians

What would you put under the Christmas tree for the newly re-elected leader of the ruling party?

SA's razor-tongued comedians suggest anything but a new sofa will do.

The Sunday Times asked comedians what they think some of our political leaders should be given for Christmas after this week's ANC elective conference wrapped up.

Suggested gifts for President Cyril Ramaphosa, re-elected as ANC president, were informed by the raging Phala Phala scandal featuring US dollars stuffed in a couch.

Puppet comedian Chester Missing recommended a “backbone” for Ramaphosa – “because he needs one”.

“I don’t think politicians should get Christmas presents because let's be honest, that was Bosasa’s entire business plan. But if you insist on asking a muppet to suck up to politicians, I’m changing my name to Iqbal Surve,” said Missing.

He said former health minister Zweli Mkhize, defeated by Ramaphosa at the conference with the "digital vibes" scandal hanging over his head, should be given a seventh sense.

“I suggest a bulls**t detector for Zweli Mkhize,” said Missing. “Digital Vibes, I mean come on, even the name sounds like a scam.”

Co-operative governance and traditional affairs minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma should be given “a truckload of wet wipes to get all the egg off her face.”

Former president Jacob Zuma, who did not complete his 15-month prison term for contempt of court after being granted medical parole later declared illegal, should be given "a bus from Translux so his family can visit him when he goes to jail".

The puppet did not forget embattled former ANC secretary-general and  Free State premier Ace Magashule, who faces fraud and corruption charges related to a multimillion rand asbestos project.

“For Ace Magashule, I suggest bail money in a brown paper envelope as a present,” he said.

Among the anti-Ramaphosa group who picketed against his re-election was former  Umkhonto We Sizwe trumpeter Carl Niehaus. Niehaus lost his ANC membership, which he has appealed, in the run-up to the elective conference for bringing the ANC into disrepute. 

“Carl Niehaus deserves a tube of KY jelly so he can get his enormous head out of Jacob Zuma’s you know what,” Missing said.

“John Steenhuisen deserves lip-sync lessons so he can say exactly what Helen [Zille] is making him say.”

Missing said mineral resources and energy minister Gwede Mantshe – re-elected as party chair – deserved a “tailor”.

Newly elected ANC treasurer Gwen Ramokgopa has a tough job coming. The party has been in the news for being unable to pay staff. Missing recommended: “A couch from Ramaphosa’s house, because that’s the only way the ANC will have funds.”

Comedian Khanyisa Bunu’s list of presents was equally colourful.

“Ramaphosa deserves a cashbox to keep his money,” she suggested.

“Zweli Mkhize deserves an Instagram account - we need to see more of him. Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma deserves a pension fund package, she needs a rest. Lindiwe Sisulu deserves a pair of sandals. It’s December, she needs a break from those high heels.”

Bunu said Zuma needed a “swimming lesson voucher” to make use of his fire pool.

Ace Magashule needed "a holiday voucher in prison ... just to chill over the festive season”.

She said EFF leader Julius Malema had a busy year and needs a “case of brandy just to numb him and silence him this festive season”. Bunu said she would give Steenhuisen a “case of energy drinks, he has a lot of work to do”.

“Gwede Mantashe deserves a brand new suit, it has to fit him this time,” she said. “Gwen Ramokgopa needs a fundraising course, her party needs funds.”

Fellow comedian Siya Seya would “give Mantashe a Bells for surviving the tough leadership contest. Zuma deserves a statue of a black cat. He was jailed by both the apartheid and democratic governments. Still, he came out strong”.

Veteran comedian Evita Bezuidenhout said that for Christmas she wished her three grandchildren could learn Chinese as the 12th language of their future and that South Africans get a “representative alternative to party politics”.

“President Cyril Ramaphosa deserves anything but a new sofa,” she said.

“Zweli Mkhize needs a retirement home in KZN where he won't be bothered.  Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma needs a year's supply of her favourite chewing tobacco.

“Ace Magashule needs the biography of painter Pierneef, as Ace owns so much of his original art. For Julius Malema, may his dreams come true democratically. Carl Niehaus deserves a leading role in the latest Leon Schuster film and the readers of the Sunday Times - moenie panic nie; alles sal regkom.”