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Humour

A foodie's guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse

Sylvia McKeown dishes on what'll be on the menu when you're forced to break bread with the undead

25 October 2017 - 11:30 By Sylvia McKeown
It happened, you got scratched or bitten and you can't help the cravings ... for brains.
It happened, you got scratched or bitten and you can't help the cravings ... for brains.
Image: Mateusz Grochocki/Getty Images

It's the end of the world as we know it and if you want to survive, best you get a little creative on the food front.

Some apocalyptic appetite pleasers for Halloween:

KICK THE CAN

Every serious cook knows that you are only as good as your larder, but this time it's a little more life-and-death kind of serious. Cans are not only a good source of basics that can last as long as the noxious killer cloud that coats the city, but they can also be used as projectiles or even as sound security measures when tied to a string - nothing is wasted in "the aftermath".

Make as many bean jokes as you like, but protein is important. With a little fire, stock and (precious) water you can have hearty soup in no time - complete with musical entertainment, which is helpful since there is no more power since "the incident".

GROW YOUR OWN FOOD

Don't tell the hippies they were right, but growing your own greens will save you from starvation and scurvy. If you don't have the space or the ability to go outside (in case the beasts from beyond might get you), don't fret.

Grab your scraps of lettuce, carrots, green onion, celery, coriander, bok choy, ginger, sweet potato, regular onion, leek, and even the spiky end of a pineapple. Stick them base- or root-end down in a jar of (precious) water in direct sunlight and you will have them growing in no time.

It also works with garlic and you know how important that is when The Dark Lord comes.

PET/FOOD

Listen, we all know that a dog is a serious security asset and companion in any post-apocalyptic scenario. Me saying otherwise will (rightfully) have whatever is left of the SPCA on me. But if I'm stuck in my apartment with no recourse in the inter-dimensional alien invasion, my pet rabbit may have to share a little more than her (regrown) lettuce.

However, if you don't want Misty's nine lives to land up on the menu as an alternative protein source, best you start sharing her pouches of chicken-flavoured Whiskas. Just add two-minute noodles, some of the herbs and onions you regrew, and Tabasco into the mix. Tabasco always makes everything taste better, even in the end of days.

FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI

People have been eating people in dire situations for centuries - just ask the 1972 Andes plane crash survivors or the residents of Estcourt in the KwaZulu-Natal Midlands. We maintain that this is most definitely a last resort - no matter how much your co-workers may annoy you.

But, if push comes to shove, overactive meat tends to be very tough so the gym boet would only really work as a stew or potjie braised over many hours. As a rule, rumps are universally a very tender cut - and if you are in dire need of protein, Hannibal Lecter did assure us that liver is a great source of protein. Which of course brings us to.

BRAAAAAINS

It happened, you got scratched or bitten and you can't help the cravings. Fear not! Brains have been a staple of many different cultures' diets. Sure, not necessarily human brains but life happens, even to the undead.

We suggest that you adapt a fritto misto recipe and soak the brains of a calf in milk overnight; blanch and peel away the membrane; pat off the excess; and coat them in eggs and whatever breadcrumbs you have (the blue and green mould on bread doubles up as penicillin).

Next, deep-fry them in oil at 180° for 4-5 minutes and serve with browned butter or whatever jar of miracle whip you have lying around. Lord knows, we all need a miracle (whip).

• This article was originally published in The Times.

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