Turns out South Africans aren't very adventurous in the sack
Why so reserved, peeps? asks Yolisa Mkele, after checking out the results of the Sunday Times Lifestyle Sex Survey
How often do South Africans get their rocks off? Do they like being spanked? Are they of the opinion that a big enough boat will create a motion in any ocean?
While the answers to these questions may not be any of our business, many of us are secretly curious about each other's bedroom high-jinks, and at the Sunday Times we are in the business of satisfying curiosity.
That's why we decided to conduct the first-ever Sunday Times Lifestyle Sex Survey.
The results are in. Here's what I thought interesting:
Older South Africans like the idea of group sex
There is a 40% chance that the middle-aged mother-of-two you saw in Woolworths has fantasised about an orgy, more often than she has dreamed of sex with a colleague, of sleeping with her partner's sibling or of a farmyard excursion.
Among respondents aged 41 to 65 and over, group sex was easily the most popular fantasy. Lusty plaas visits came in second at 29.4%. Bumping uglies with a sibling in-law was the least popular - fewer than four in 100 are interested. All those Christmas dinners with your partner's obnoxious brother is enough to turn most people off that idea.
Mature South Africans are also having more sex than anyone else
Perhaps it is because they are more likely to be married or in long-term relationships, but on average people between the ages of 41 and 50 are having more sex than any other age group, with 69% of them having sex daily or at least once a week.
In comparison, only 56% of 18- to 24-year-olds and just under half of folks aged 65 or over get laid that regularly.
Interestingly, 8.3% of those past 65 are having sex every day.
A shocking number of people are embarrassed about watching porn
In the year of our Lord 2017, it is a little surprising that anyone is embarrassed by watching porn. Unless you are watching it somewhere deeply inappropriate, or into something involving tentacles and a rooster, then there really should be nothing to be ashamed of.
Almost 30% of respondents feel differently, indicating that they enjoy porn but have a guilty conscience about it. Just over 43% said they really enjoyed it while only 16.4% didn't watch it at all. Now we know where all that cellphone data is really going.
It's the motion in the ocean
It turns out she was not just trying to spare your feelings when she told you size didn't matter. Over 47% of women said how one uses a trouser snake is more important than how big it is. For 27% of women who answered, size was very important.
South Africans are pretty vanilla in the sack
The closest the majority of us are willing to get to BDSM is reading Fifty Shades of Grey. For the most part our only interest in anal is as an embarrassing autocorrect mistake and we're not that into sex toys. Most of us have never had sex with someone of another race and apparently almost no one pays for sex, though a walk down Oxford Street in Rosebank suggests otherwise.
Basically we are fairly conservative when it comes to matters boudoir and that is a little disappointing. It is like breathlessly bursting into your teenager's bedroom fully expecting to catch him sneaking out the window, only to find that the little blighter is doing his homework.
To avoid disappointment with this survey next time around, I am calling on all South Africans, of whatever shade, tax bracket or age, to get involved in some consensual eccentricity. It will make for a much more salacious read and help you on your path to sexual nirvana.
* The Sunday Times Lifestyle Sex Survey was conducted in association with local research house Ratepop, using their proprietary chatbot technology. Over 2,000 individual South Africans answered the survey, which was hosted on Facebook Messenger. The respondent's identities were kept strictly confidential.