Why many men feel threatened by sexually dominant women

When it comes to the bedroom, most men like to dominate.

This can sometimes speak to stereotypical gender roles where a man is supposed to be large and in charge.

While most women do not mind this, there are some women who like to change it up a bit and be the ones cracking the whip in the bedroom - pun intended.

Yes, some women like to be dominant during sex, and just like 41-year-old student advisor Palesa* from Johannesburg found, some men can be taken aback by this.

"I find nothing sexier than a man who is secure enough in his sexuality to allow a woman to be in charge and leave all the pleasuring to me. However, in my experience, most men have a problem with this.

"Some men flat-out protest the idea of being tied up or subdued and allowing me to do as I please. They tend to insist on taking over and when I protest, there tends to be a bit of struggle of power. Most of the ones who give in, I usually never hear from them again," she says.

So what exactly is involved in a woman being in charge in the bedroom?

Palesa says it involves, among other things, a man keeping his hands to himself, unless told otherwise.

"I honestly think that allowing women to please themselves with your assistance as a man is one of the most selfless things you can do as a man, and I find that extremely erotic," she adds.

She says being dominant also involves speaking up, which is something that she says a lot of women are afraid to do.

"Women are afraid to take charge of their sexual pleasure and usually take what is given to them. Speak up: say 'I want you to do this to me' or even stop him and say 'no, you are not doing this properly'.

"This is you being in charge of your sexual satisfaction. Although it takes a special kind of man to comply, if you find one, it is orgasmic."

WHY DO SOME MEN FEEL THREATENED BY SEXUALLY DOMINANT WOMEN?

Sexologist Elvis Munatswa says that most men dislike a dominant woman in the bedroom as they feel emasculated.

"Some men believe that it's only men that should initiate sex in bed, [and] therefore can dislike women that would initiate sex.

"The general rule of thumb is that whoever initiated the sex chooses the sex position and controls the intensity, therefore potentially creating under-par performances.

"Under-par performances are a result of anxiety and loss of control.

"A dominant woman challenges the idea that men are mighty in bed, and men see her as having the potential to emasculate or humiliate them in times of non-performing or below-par performances," Munatswa says.

Sex therapist Godivah says being dominant in bed has a lot to do with one's personality.

"Dominant and submissive personalities are usually formed in childhood, but negative or positive sexual experiences can sway our preferences either way.

"Usually, people who need to be dominant all day long in their chosen working environment enjoy being submissive in bed.

"It is a nice and welcome change for them. Society demands that women be submissive and only getting what they need sexually through manipulation, asking or begging.

"A true submissive male can sense a dominant woman simply from the over-confident way she walks, talks and operates in her world."

*Not her real name.

• This article is adapted from one originally published on SowetanLIVE.