Like the sound of having stronger erections? Ride the Z-Wave

The latest penile rejuvenation craze sees SA men trying sound wave therapy to treat erectile dysfunction or simply boost their sexual performance

05 August 2018 - 00:00
Men with erectile dysfunction are using Z-Wave to increase blood flow to their penises in an effort to boost sexual performance.
Men with erectile dysfunction are using Z-Wave to increase blood flow to their penises in an effort to boost sexual performance. 
Image: 123RF / Ockra

Contrary to our own PR, males of our species are fragile creatures. Beneath all the bravado and testosterone lie brittle egos ready to crack at a moment's notice and nothing shatters masculine self-confidence more completely than penis issues.

Which is why men will go to almost any length to correct them. That is where the latest craze in male sex organ rejuvenation, the Z-Wave, comes in.

The basic idea behind the Z-Wave is that, using a bunch of fancy sound waves, blood flow will increase to your man gristle and the surrounding areas without the need for surgery or pills. What this ostensibly means is that sufferers of erectile dysfunction should find themselves back at full mast and people who want to enhance their sexual performance will be better able to scale heights they thought impossible.

"All sorts of things influence your ability to have an erection, and unfortunately the inability to have one results in the man feeling lousy and the partner as well. In today's world that is unnecessary," said Ingrid du Plessis, a Z-Wave practitioner from Laserderm.

PERFORMANCE ISSUES

For reasons generally related to propaganda around masculine bluster, the idea of men seeking help for their sexual performance is generally treated with derision. The truth is that many men suffer from performance issues and the crippling anxiety that comes with it.

"It's debilitating. I had a man in tears today telling me how his marriage broke down because of his lack of sexual performance. He was broken," said Du Plessis.

The thing about one's ability to stand firm is that it has broad ramifications. Failure to conjure a pulsating third leg often leads to partners either accusing you of having an affair or internalising the matter and thinking you are no longer attracted to them.

Then there is the fact that the erect penis is the ultimate symbol of manhood. It symbolises strength, assertiveness and a kind of can-do attitude. This is why slang like "big d**k energy" exists.

A man without a fully functioning penis is an unhappy one and that can manifest itself in many ways. They may overcompensate and become one of those tedious men who incessantly toot their own horns and beat their chests at every opportunity. They may also wilt, transforming into pitiful creatures that no one finds attractive.

WEAK ERECTIONS

As such it shouldn't come as a surprise that eight out of 10 street poles promise to fix weak erections and erectile dysfunction. Or that Viagra, originally conceived as heart medicine, went on to become one of the most successful drugs in history.

As men we are both socially and physically hard-wired to want to be some kind of apex sexual He-Man that brings women to quivering orgasm at the very mention of our massive, throbbing member.

We lie about it in high school, brag about it at university, and get secret Cialis prescriptions in early adulthood. We used slang like "blow his/her back out" and "beating up the coochie" to emphasise how triumphant our penises are, and we have an unhealthy obsession with penis size and the duration of sex and how many rounds we can manage. In short, our penises are our world.

"We have a huge percentage of men across creeds that this is happening to," says Du Plessis.

The thing is, if you talk to enough adult women, one begins to realise that having full on penetrative sex for 75 minutes appeals to very few of them.

Many women are actively discouraged by the prospect of eight rounds and thoroughly frightened by the idea of a 12-inch penis. Basically, there is a strong argument to be made for the idea that the paralysing fear men have of an underperforming lieutenant is all in our heads.

Chances are that if you are open with your partner, you will find that intense feeling of shame is really just a proverbial bogeyman trying his best to ruin your sex life through a combination of poor lifestyle choices and paranoia.

On the other hand, should you find yourself engaged in the horizontal tango with a partner in her early 20s then you are thoroughly f**ked and should probably have some sound waves administered.

HOW Z-WAVE WORKS

The key to having a powerful penis is blood flow. All types of things influence your body's ability to pump up an erection, including stress, age, whether or not you are a smoker, the use of antidepressants and so on.

Over time, a kind of plaque begins to develop in the blood vessels, reducing their ability to efficiently deliver blood to one's chorizo.

The Z-Wave works by sending acoustic waves into the affected areas and getting rid of that plaque, turning your well-done meat into something closer to rare.

Depending on the extent of the problem and results, Z-Wave applications can be done in one to six treatments.

In short, once all that pesky plaque is jiggled free by the sweet sounds of the Z-Wave, patients can apparently expect months' to years' worth of Mills and Boon members.

For more information, contact ingrid.laser@gmail.com


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