Relationships

How to decode Tinder speak: what are people really saying about themselves?

There's a fine art to finding who you're looking for on the hook-up app, but you need to read between the (sometimes very cheesy) lines

16 June 2019 - 00:10 By
Avoid the common Tinder traps by learning what phrases really mean.
Avoid the common Tinder traps by learning what phrases really mean.
Image: 123RF/Kaspars Grinvalds

It's getting cold outside and consequently 'tis the season to have a warm body next to you. For those of us who are single, finding said warm body can be tough. Fortunately we live in 2019 and have apps like Tinder to help heat up our love lives. Unfortunately, Tinder can be a lumpy soup full of divorceés, animal lovers and anthropomorphic hormones.

Every thorn bush, however, has its roses and the key to finding the flowers in the Tinder thicket is learning to decode what the biographies really mean, phrase by phrase. We've compiled a short list:

'No hook-ups'

Confused about why users of the world's No 1 hook-up app don't want to hook up? That's because you're not reading between the lines. "No hook-ups" and its many variations just mean that pursuers should be respectful. Men have a habit of acting like lunatics when they think easy sex is on the line. They have a tendency to become disrespectful and slimy. So the stated aversion to casual genital rubbing tends to just be a request to treat the lady nicely. Chances are that if you do, you will hook up.

Something about not wanting to be a blesser/sugar daddy/insert appropriate term here

Despite all their masculine bluster, men are a sensitive bunch, a very sensitive bunch. Few things can get their sensitivity to flare up faster than meeting a young lady, purchasing her dinner and a few trinkets in the hopes that her secret garden has an entrance fee and then being disappointed when they find out that money does not buy access to said garden unless it is owned by a professional. Therefore, profiles warning against gold diggers and such abound. What is really being said here is that poor old Chad is hurt and has a misguided view on how to get into someone's pants.

What someone is really saying when they claim to speak fluent sarcasm is that they enjoy their own jokes, some of which may come at your expense

Something about sarcasm

If you use Tinder you may have noticed that sarcasm is the nation's 12th official language. Apparently everyone speaks it and they want all potential suitors to know. What someone is really saying when they claim to speak fluent sarcasm is that they enjoy their own jokes, some of which may come at your expense.

'I thought this was an app to help me start a fire'

Anyone with this joke or some variation of it has clearly not been on the app very long and is convinced they are funnier than they really are. This is probably the type of person who on meeting someone named Rose will make a quip about how sweet she smells, as if poor Rose hasn't heard that a thousand times before.

Sapiosexuals

Whoever put "sapiosexual" into the pop culture lexicon has a lot to answer for. It has been getting more use than the recyclable underwear at a prison. Presumably using it is supposed to ward off the troglodytes, but it comes off as a little pretentious and indicates that you may have a higher estimation of your own intelligence than is warranted.


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