'Don't cry if he cheats on you - get even!'

26 August 2019 - 06:23 By NIVASHNI NAIR
Cheating destroys trust in relationships.
BED-HOPPING Cheating destroys trust in relationships.

Women who cry when they discover their husbands or partners cheat on them are old fashioned and weak.

Instead they should dry their tears and get revenge by cheating themselves.

That's the controversial advice from self-proclaimed "seduction expert" and author Mandisa O Mahlobo who is hosting a free seminar called "He cheats. You cheat" next month. The aim of the workshop is to equip women with the skills to stay with a man, who has cheated on them.

"Some people are suggesting that women should leave a cheating man. Leaving is costly. Their lives are intertwined and entangled. Women rather not choose to leave but rather stay and support your man. Cheat with him like the good woman you are," she said in a Facebook post.

Mahlobo's seminars over the years have focused on men paying for the "upkeep" of women. In 2016, she hosted a controversial "Girlfriend Allowance" seminar, where she charged women R300 each for tips on how to get funds from their partners.

Mahlobo, who has taken flak over the topic of her upcoming seminar, didn't want to comment to TimesLIVE.

"Even bible-bashing men of Gawd expressed their concern and disbelief at the seminar of this nature. One priest even posted that I’m bitter and I’m vomiting bile misleading other women.

"What is the real issue here? Why is the 'stronger sex' so shaken?" she posted on her Facebook page.

Self-proclaimed "seduction expert" and author Mandisa O Mahlobo
Self-proclaimed "seduction expert" and author Mandisa O Mahlobo
Image: via Facebook

However women who are angry that Mahlobo labelled those who cried when they discovered they had been cheated on as "mentally-ill" and weak are also critical of her advice.

A Durban woman who caught her ex-husband in bed with her sister - who had moved in with them during a "bad patch" - said crying was not a weakness.

"My crying was not a weakness. My crying restored me. It built me and it was my way to communicate when I didn’t have the voice to speak. I was fragile but not anymore."

My divorce is no longer a tragedy. I would shake the hand of my ex-husband and sister to thank them for doing what they did. They didn’t realise their actions created a rock, a warrior and a force to be reckoned with," she said.

Founder of the South African Divorce Support Association, councillor and mediator Nadia Thonnard, said it was normal to have an emotional response.

"Finding out about your partner cheating is never pleasant news. Of course, keeping a level head is always a preferred way to respond as this leaves space to evaluate the gravity of the news. Was this a once off, authentic mistake or was it an ongoing affair which may become the next long term partner?"

Thonnard said in her practice she has met women cheaters as well.

"Cheating can be devastating and destructive because it breaks the trust which is the foundation of any healthy relationship and while certain people can forgive and move on with a partner who cheated, the biggest challenge is how will they trust again."

Durban psychologist Rakhi Beekrum said many betrayed partners wonder whether cheating in return will make things better.

"There is the irrational thought that the best way to teach their partner a lesson is to ‘give them a taste of their own medicine’. In my experience of working with couples, this has never made things better. Rather it often fuels guilt and further shame.

"The reality is that whatever one thinks they would do in such a situation, is often not the reaction when they are betrayed. Many people want to save their marriages - and it is possible if there is genuine remorse and willingness to work things out. Couples must be mindful of who they seek advice from. The betrayed partner needs to know what their needs and expectations are from the unfaithful partner and express this matter-of-factly," she said.