Teen depression: 'There are days when I look in the mirror and think, I don’t want to be here'

Navigating the emotional turmoil of adolescence was hard enough already, and then the coronavirus came along and caused even greater pressure on teenagers

07 February 2021 - 00:00 By leonie wagner
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A teenage girl who attempted to commit suicide six times takes a walk with her mom in Cape Town. Suicide is the second-most common cause of death in people aged 15-29 in SA.
MAKING PROGRESS IN DARK TIMES A teenage girl who attempted to commit suicide six times takes a walk with her mom in Cape Town. Suicide is the second-most common cause of death in people aged 15-29 in SA.
Image: Esa Alexander

Chloe* had already planned her death months before her 12th birthday. The noose she’d made hung unnoticed in the lapa where she’d go to stare at it and sometimes pull on it and test it for the day when she’d use it. In 2018, the 11-year-old was struggling in school. Her projects were due and she hadn’t completed any of them.

Chloe has tried to commit suicide six times. Her first attempt was when she was 11. Now 14, she opens up about her battle with depression.

“It felt like every single day I was being dragged by my hair across countries. Each day, each hour, each minute felt like it was never going to end. Each feeling of sadness or anger that I had, it felt like it was never going to stop. It felt like it was going to be like that forever. That morning when I woke up and realised it was never going to change, I thought I might as well just end it now.”

Every one of Chloe’s unsuccessful suicide attempts is forever etched in her family’s memory. That morning when she was 11 and overwhelmed by her emotions, she started writing her suicide note to family and friends on her left arm: an explanation and an apology ending with “I’m sorry and I love you”.

Chloe says now: “After that note, I knew what was going to happen and it was almost like my emotions just shut off. I felt tears streaming down my face, I felt all the sadness but at the same time it felt numb, it felt like there was no feeling.”

While everyone was sleeping, she went outside to the lapa where the noose was. Using a chair on a table as a makeshift ladder, she put her head through the noose and slowly stepped forward. Chloe says now that although she felt ready to die, and wanted to die, the thought of dying also scared her.

“I slowly started letting go of the chair and letting go of my muscles. Everything felt darker, calmer, and everything went a bit silent. Then I pushed myself up and I pulled my head out and I didn’t want to do it any more. I knew how close I was to that … It wasn’t anything specific that made me stop, I just didn’t want to any more. I felt the feeling and I knew it was going to happen but it scared me.”

With tears streaming down her face, Chloe woke her mom and told her what she had tried to do. They went to the hospital where Chloe spent her 12th birthday. Realising she’d have to see more therapists and spend more time in hospital made Chloe even more determined to die.

This was the first of Chloe’s six suicide attempts over a two-year period. Since trying to hang herself she has tried to overdose on pills three times and once tried to slit her throat with a knife. Now 14, Chloe has been diagnosed with depression and petit mal epilepsy. Her last suicide attempt was in November 2019.

Chloe’s mom Bernadette* becomes emotional as her daughter shares details of her suicide attempts. Aware of her daughter’s depression and self-harming, Bernadette had taken her daughter to therapy since grade 5. When Chloe tried to hang herself, Bernadette realised that her daughter had been planning her death for almost as long as she’d been going for therapy.

“I’d say parents generally only know about 20%-30% of what’s going on,” says Bernadette. “I look at it like the iceberg and the Titanic, where you are literally seeing only the tip until you hit the side and then it’s a whole different thing. She was in therapy for eight to nine months and then she tried to hang herself. The psychologist explained that whether it’s a child or an adult, they will think about suicide for a long time before they try to do it.”

Bernadette, 45, still blames herself and says this is the hardest thing she’s had to deal with as a single parent. She’s kept up a brave front for her children but admits that behind the façade she was in pieces. Still haunted by images of a noose around her daughter’s neck, her biggest fear is that she might not be able to save her.

“There were times when I just wanted her to survive for the next hour. My biggest fear was going to sleep at night. She would go to sleep and I’d think, she’s asleep, but then she’d wake up and I’d think, if she wakes up in the night and I don’t wake up and she takes all these tablets, by the time I get to her she’s going to be ice-cold and I’ll be too late.”

But as we talk, mother and daughter also share how far they’ve come. They giggle in awe at their progress and Bernadette reassures Chloe of her love. According to Bernadette, they’re in a “good phase” despite the challenges of 2020, when lockdown restrictions created even more anxiety. Chloe, who needs a routine, suddenly found herself without one when schools closed. With no physical interaction with her friends she’d spend hours alone in her room.

Bernadette could not always be around and she was worried. “Depression makes you isolate yourself,” she says. “You start hiding from the world; you don’t want people to know what’s going on. Covid brought about forced isolation. So now you have teenagers who are depressed and going through a year where school is all over the place and they don’t get to see their friends face to face. They need that interaction, and isolating just feeds that depression.”

There are some days when I lookin the mirror and think, I really don’t want to be here.  I’d rather be dead
Chloe

Bernadette would constantly monitor her daughter to make sure she was OK. Chloe admits there were many times when she’d be lying on her bed thinking about cutting herself or taking pills. But her mother’s support and continued therapy have helped her learn to cope with her emotions, she says.

“There are some days when I look in the mirror and think, I really don’t want to be here. I’d rather be dead than here. Most of the time I was upset or depressed, I felt like everything was falling apart and nothing was going to be right. I saw everything as terrible, I saw myself as horrible. I absolutely hated myself. Now I know that things aren’t perfect, but I accept that this is what it is and I’m just going to do what I can.”

* Names have been changed

When the worst happens

Not all parents are able to save their children. Diane Naidoo lost her daughter to suicide a decade ago and is now dedicated to helping other parents and teens caught in the dark web of depression.

On May 27 2010, when Diane left their house to go shopping, her 15-year-old daughter Tenniel said: “Promise me you will take care of yourself. I love you very much.”

Diane did not find this unusual because her daughter was an affectionate child. It never occurred to her that this would be the last exchange they’d have.

While in the shopping mall, Diane got a call. “They said she had attempted suicide and my brother and her aunt were on their way to the hospital with her. I thought she’d be OK. I thought she just needed medical treatment.”

But when Diane got to the hospital, her worst nightmare became a reality. Tenniel was dead. The teen had been found by her granny, she had hanged herself from a window frame in her bedroom.

Earlier that month, Tenniel’s boyfriend had died in a car accident. Diane knew her daughter was grieving deeply. She was angry, temperamental and listened to sad music.

“She was withdrawn and not her usual self, she gave away some of her personal things and wanted to spend time with her granny who lived next door … we thought this was just her way of grieving,” Diane says.

The day before her death, she said goodbye to her friends and parents, but only in hindsight did they realise she meant these as final farewells.

“The signs that someone displays before they attempt suicide are very visible,” Diane says now. “We need to make sure we take notice if someone starts showing a major difference in their behaviours. When your child is going through something and acting differently, speak to them, try and tap into their world.”

The past decade has been difficult for Diane. At the time of Tenniel’s suicide, her youngest daughter was six and didn’t understand why her sister had died. Diane’s marriage also went through pressure but the couple were able to work through it. Diane’s husband died in a car accident three years after their daughter’s death.

Diane is now involved in campaigns to create awareness about suicide in schools, together with the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag).

“At first the guilt, pain and extreme emotional stress is something you think you can never work through,” she says. “But through this you realise that there has to be a greater purpose that might come from your child’s death. My greatest recovery was to get myself actively involved with Sadag. Ten years later, I have committed myself to openly share my journey with others.”

Pandemic pressures

Experts warn that suicide and suicide attempts are rife among teenagers and uncertainty around the pandemic makes them more susceptible to mental health issues.

In SA, suicide is the second-most common cause of death in people aged 15-29.

“With or without Covid or other external factors that might be very difficult, younger people are more susceptible and more at risk of experiencing a mental health breakdown,” says psychologist Charity Mkone.

The announcement to postpone the opening of schools has also impacted both parents and children. This could have devastating implications for young people who were looking forward to some sense of normalcy after 2020.

Psychologist Zamo Mbele says: “One of the things we know about the adolescent experience is there’s more impulsivity. When we merge that impulsivity with distress, whether anxiety or depression, suicide can be a danger.”

Clinical psychologist Candice Combrinck says isolation caused by lockdown can lead to boredom and destructive overthinking, contributing factors to depression.

Lack of predictability triggers worry and dread, she says. “This anxiety, together with the uncertainty of academic progress, can make a teenager feel overwhelmed and scared. Combined with the loss of social and extramural events, it creates a massive mental health concern.”

Clinical psychologist Liane Lurie says that anxiety is exacerbated when children see their parents trying to deal with job loss, fighting, and facing bereavement. Their world has changed, contributing to a higher prevalence of anxiety and depression that could lead to self-harming behaviour.

“They may also have a sense of a foreshortened future, unsure of what the days ahead hold. They may feel hopeless and helpless as a result,” Lurie says.

Mkone recommends that parents speak constantly and openly to their children, creating a safe space for them to share what’s happening in their world and in their minds.

KEEP YOUR CHILDREN SAFE

• Don’t be afraid to ask difficult questions.

• Create a non-judgmental space where your teen can talk to you about anything without fear of repercussions.

• Engage with other family members or friends who may be able to talk to your teen when you feel you can’t. 

• Seek help from a qualified professional.

• Intervene at the first sign that something is not OK.

• Be aware of what your teenager engages with online and whether there is any anxiety when they disconnect from their devices. 

•  Ask open-ended and exploratory questions as opposed to those that elicit a simple yes or no answer.

* Sadag Suicide helpline: 0800-567-567, SMS 31393


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