Time out in Maputo: why you have to go

How we at the heel of Africa love to envy Europeans - the ease with which they hop across for quick weekend breaks in foreign lands. Well, we do have Mozambique. Beautiful but hell to get there, or so I'd heard.

"Saffers" love to bemoan the potholes and the greased palms that must come with the drive east. But why drive at all when you can fly?

Maputo is a one-hour flight from Joburg, and SAA currently has a special fare of R3,071 (G class) return.

No excuses now, just do it.

A NOT-SO-FARAWAY TREE

When your welcome drink is a caipirinha in a glitzy lobby under a chandelier, you know you've landed in a sweet spot.

Opened in 2000, the Southern Sun Maputo was refurbished about 18 months ago, and is now a perky, yellow beacon on the beach in the Bay of Maputo, with
come-hither palm trees and a smile-shaped rim-flow pool that leads the eye out to sea.

Just off the dining terrace, a small set of steps draws a literal line in the sand, beyond which the odd hawker will occasionally hover, trying to catch a guest's eye by flying a capulana high on the wind.

But they won't cross the line to try to flog these local sarongs, so the haggling is up to you.

Many of the hotel's 269 rooms also face the sea. Mine had a private balcony, a mini-bar and fear not, the whole hotel has wifi.

The staff also love to boast how it's home to the "most expensive tree in Africa" - a 400-year-old fig tree that was destined to die in the initial refurbishment plans.

The locals supposedly so objected that the renovation was adjusted to go round the tree, meaning nine intended sea-facing rooms never saw the light of day.

At $300 a night (rack rate) x 365 x 9, that's (almost) a million-dollar tree, which figures, since it might just be the hotel's greatest asset now - a magical spot strung up with lights and hidden speakers for moody tune and a guests-only bar alongside.

ARTS, CULTURE & ODDITY

A guided tour is a no-brainer if you actually want to see something of the city on a quick break. Ours with Dana Tours entails chugging around, weirdly, on a kind of road train, but it does the job of covering ground.

As we roll along, snapping and smiling at the locals just as much as they're snapping and smiling at us, Maputo does a slow dance, unveiling herself as a car crash of a city but also a carnival, all faded paint and Coca-Cola billboards; bougainvilleas and broken things.

Some of the city's most treasured names start to become familiar in my ears.

At Eduardo Mondlane University, we meet Malangatana - full name Malangatana Valente Ngwenya - the painter, poet and politician who depicted the rising and falling fortunes of his people in dense murals.

At least, we meet some of the faces he painted. "Africa's Picasso" died in Portugal in 2011, but his work remains here and in murals all over town.

Then there is Pancho Guedes, the architect whose eclectic modernist style is even more ubiquitous all over town. The Portugal-born creator liked to put chimneys on his buildings for the aesthetic touch, though in this tropical climate they would never see fire.

At the Natural History Museum, grunting echoes eerily through speakers hidden over shabby animals - dead and stuffed, according to our 40-something guide Atalia Macamo, "since before I was born".

Nearby, we peer in at the Vila Algarve, at first glance an ill-fated holiday home, now a burnt-out shell still covered in Portugal's ornate Azulejo tiles.

This was once the HQ of the secret police, where several resistance fighters were tortured during the civil war, and there are plans to turn it into a museum.

Inside the walls of the Old Fort, built from 1785, a courtyard is now a graveyard for some relics of colonialism, statues that were toppled at independence and presumably moved here to save them from total destruction.

It's not unlike Helen Martin's Camel Yard, these African masks with bug eyes and goofy smiles made from bullets, guns, landmines.

Outside on the pavement, some crates full of art are ready to fly to London for the 1:54 exhibition in October.

As Mabunda explains, "There are a lot of weapons in my country but we didn't make them. They were sent to us from other places so I could kill my brother. I turn them into objects of joy and send them back to show them there is another way."

THE PARTY

As night falls, we switch gear from culture to caipirinhas, put on dress shoes and, yes, we ditch the train. For dinner at Zambi (in a Guedes-designed building), the table heaves with seafood as it does pretty much everywhere - and then it's a bar hop.

At the Pool Bar (as in swimming, not cues), we catch the tail end of a cool jazz band and wish we'd arrived sooner.

At La Dolce Vita, we drink more but not enough to make sense of the bright lights and soft porn playing on a TV on the wall.

The last stop, Guilty, is a nightclub in a mall. Some girl has puked in the bathroom and there's a DJ but no dancing. All kind of surreal.

Maybe Maputo's reputation as a party city is more deserved on hot summer nights. I'd try again.

THE GOOD LIFE

A final indulgence is a whole day marooned on Xefina island, with Maputo vaguely discernible in the distance. A rubber duck has dropped us ashore to loll while chefs prepare a seafood feast on "our" yacht.

There is an eminently Instragrammable dhow in the shallows which naturally demands long photoshoots (#glamorouslife) and when some fishermen arrive to haul in their nets the cameras come out once more.

By the time our lunch is ready, we're so rooted in this sand that the chefs must come to us with trays. Cue another photoshoot, and one more when the rubber duck returns to make us go back. Damnit.

HOT TIPS FROM A MAPUTO GUIDE

Mozambique has a special culture and diversity ... and I love how the Mozambicans are sweet. Inhambane city is known as "Terra da boa gente/Land of the good people" and I think this applies to the whole country.

Maputo is a vibrant city. There is so much to be discovered here, especially when it comes to the mix of cultures.

You can get great food, meet interesting people, share stories and make fond memories.

Guiding South African tourists is like ... showing your friendly neighbour around.

One of my favourite places in Maputo ... is Café Dhow, which overlooks Maputo Bay. You get a gorgeous view of the city and can enjoy a cocktail while watching the sunset.

The last two years ... were a bit difficult in Mozambique but I feel tourism is slowly picking up momentum again. We see more and more tourists - leisure and corporate travellers - arriving and this is a reason to celebrate. We hope it continues.

• Macamo is a guide with Dana Tours

SPECIAL OFFER: THREE NIGHTS IN MAPUTO, KIDS STAY FREE

Spend three nights at the four-star Southern Sun Maputo from R6,371 per person - kids stay free.

The offer includes:

• 3 nights' accommodation

• Return flights from Joburg to Maputo with South African Airways

• Breakfast daily

• Return airport-hotel transfers

• Complimentary wifi.

BONUS: Two children under 18 stay free when sharing with parents (pay for flights, taxes and transfers).

The offer is valid for travel until March 31 2018. Book by December 31 to qualify.

Call Thompsons on 011-770-7583 or see the deal here. 

Terms and conditions apply.

• Sleith was a guest of South African Airways and Southern Sun Maputo