8AM: MOVE YOUR DERRIÉRE
You've got a long day of decadence ahead, so pump some endorphins first.
If you're a jogger, pound either bank of the Seine, starting anywhere you like, but the best views are between the Pont de l'Alma and the Pont de Sully.
Cyclists can hire a Vélib' bike for just €1.70 (about R25) for the day - pick it up from one of hundreds of stations and drop it off at any other.
Traffic is civil, with plenty of bike lanes, but beware of trams and buses.
9AM: PIMP YOUR PIQUE-NIQUE
Breakfast is not a thing in Paris. Citizens tend to start their day with coffee and a smoke, before investing in a baguette and sloping off to the office.
So build your own pique-nique on a market street: carbs from a boulangerie (baker), protein from a fromagerie (cheese store).
There are dozens of market streets, but the best include Rue Mouffetard on the Left Bank, Rue Cler near the Champs du Mars and Rue Cambronne in the 15th arrondissement.
Don't be afraid to expose your ignorance - start with a grin and a "Bonjour! Parlez-vous Anglais, monsieur/madame?" and you'll get a kindly briefing. The secret of getting friendly Parisian service is to be friendly, and begin the encounter with a symbolic effort at speaking French, while pleading for mercy.9.30AM: MAKE LIKE A BOBO
Lay out your breakfast pique-nique on a lawn or a bench in the Jardin du Luxembourg on the Left Bank. This is where hundreds of students and bobos (bourgeois bohemians) come to read Marxist philosophy, or snog, or both at once, in the dappled shade of the chestnut and plane trees.
On weekends, you can watch the pétanque players or enrage the grumpy old chess players by suggesting their next move. There's also a fabulous kids' playground.
11.30AM: GET MEDIEVAL
From the Jardins des Luxembourg, it's a five-minute stroll to the Cluny National Museum of the Middle Ages.Built in the 14th century over the (still intact) ruins of a Roman bath complex, it's crammed with spooky medieval delights: halls of vaulted arches, stained-glass masterpieces, reliquaries for storing saintly remains, glittering swords and armour, and the enigmatic Lady and the Unicorn tapestry.
1.30PM: GO TO BEIRUT
The Left Bank is rife with pricey, generic brasseries and bistros. As a rule, good-value cuisine is hiding in cheaper districts (see 7.30pm at Le Baratin). Right now, right here, don't take a chance.
Once you're done at the Cluny Museum, you have a five-minute amble to Loubnane, a renowned Lebanese joint, where you can stock up on superb babaganoush, humus, falafel and lamb kebab.
Not cheap by any means, but the service is warmly unParisian.3PM: KLAP YOUR CREDIT CARD
Mesdames et messieurs, it's time to cross the river and open your wallet. From Loubnane, make your way over the Pont Notre Dame - if you want, you can pause at the Notre Dame, which needs no introduction.
But if your dream is to buy the right to say "Oh, this? Thanks! I got it in Paris," then swan over to the Right Bank and swing northeast into the Marais.
Expect more "bobo" vibes here - the streets are lined with high-concept cafés and sexy Airbnb dwellers.If you're after big labels and luxury brands, you'll find them, but the main shopping draw is mid-priced independent boutiques stocking the refined cuts and neutral colours that define Parisian style.
Don't be intimidated. That haughty shop assistant wants your money, and you want that haughty top.4.30PM: MUSEUM PEACE
Now that you're clothed and broke, it's art-perving time. If you're feeling lazy, stay in the Marais and hit the Picasso Museum.
If you fancy an adventure, take the Metro 1 line from Hotel de Ville to the Fondation Louis Vuitton in the Bois du Boulogne (get off the metro at Les Sables, it's a half-hour trip).
Currently home to a superb show of post-millennial South African art, Being There, the Frank Gehry-designed museum is a spectacular new mecca of contemporary art and design. It closes at 7pm. The ticket is €14 - book online to skip the queue.
7.30PM: A BITE OF BELLEVILLE
Now jump on the Metro 2 at Porte Dauphine, and zip across town to Belleville, a traditionally proletarian 'hood that's now rife with not-so-proletarian hipsteurs.
Your dinner is at Le Baratin, an Argentine-owned restaurant, five minutes' walk from the Belleville metro stop. Book ahead: the well-priced traditional dishes are wanted by many.
After your meal, slope down to Le 9B, a funky bar 10 minutes away, on the Boulevard de la Villette. The beer is cheap and the dancefloor richly stocked with roots reggae, funk and French house.
11.50PM: ALMOST MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
Still in the mood for la vie en rose? Time to shoot back for an old-school, Left Bank experience - Chez Georges bar on the Rue des Canettes, a deliciously decrepit cellar haunted by patrons who are either actual poets or want to be thought of as poets.
Either way, they're great company. Find a corner, nurse a carafe of red and make like Owen Wilson. You're in Paris, baby, and Paris loves you...