ANC conference: for wannabes who've won (or lost) it all

Buffalo burgers and a 'less clingy ex' for presidential rivals

17 December 2017 - 00:03 By PHILANI NOMBEMBE

What is the ideal Christmas gift for the person who has been hoping to take the helm of the ANC?
If you are a cheeky politically savvy puppet it's "a personality".
This is what puppet comedian Chester Missing says he would put under Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma's Christmas tree. "Her only real pitch seems to be 'I probably, perhaps, definitely won't pursue charges against Jacob Zuma'," said Missing.
For NDZ's rival in the race for the ANC presidency, Cyril Ramaphosa, he had a more elaborate gift - beginning with a new name - "Unity", which would "definitely win in Mpumalanga too".He added: "Also, I'd make him a billionaire's McDonald's franchise. Call it the McOppenheimer's. It would only sell pure buffalo burgers. Price: R21-million, without fries. All the richness, none of the guilt."
Missing had lottery tickets for the other five contenders - Baleka Mbete, Zweli Mkhize, Jeff Radebe, Lindiwe Sisulu and Mathews Phosa - to give them more chance of winning than they have had at Nasrec.
Comedian John Vlismas thought Santa should bring "a small shoe for Baleka Mbete so she can get her foot into her mouth more easily, more often".He said: "For Mathews Phosa, a bulletproof vest; for Lindiwe Sisulu, a toy microphone so she can pretend to join in when the grown-ups are talking; and for Jeff Radebe, a mirror so he can hold it up and see what it looks like to have two faces."
Comedian Khanyisa Bunu said running shoes were the perfect present for Mbete. "Her name is Baleka, which means run away. She must please run as far away from parliament as possible," she said.
She suggested a motivational book for Phosa, one that deals with "cutting your losses and moving on. As a former premier of Mpumalanga, he seems to believe people there owe him automatic support.
"And for Lindiwe, with all her innocent looks I think I should buy her a huge building somewhere in Johannesburg where she can start her own church and be a pastor."
Comic Nik Rabinowitz and his co-writer Gill Breslin chipped in with a gift idea for the ANC's departing president, Jacob Zuma: "Alleymoney, which is the money you get from your ex-wife when she becomes president, and meets you in an alley with the money to pay off the judges who are being tjatjarag about smallanyana things like state capture and Guptas and perjury."For NDZ, they hope for "a less clingy ex", for Ramaphosa a Zulu surname and a mind eraser - "Marikana who? Marikana what?" - and for Sisulu, "a silk cushion so that when Cyril goes down on his knees and begs her to be deputy she can make him comfortable".
"Deep Fried Man" Daniel Friedman also came up with a Marikana-related gift for Ramaphosa: "A copy of Miners Shot Down. I think he needs to see it."
As for NDZ, "I could never give her anything as great as the gift she once received - a divorce from Jacob Zuma". And for speaker of parliament Mbete he would go shopping for some new glasses "so she can recognise people".

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