Aussie rules: the land Down Under does has some dubious entries on its CV

Stop Australia-bashing for a minute and think of all the good things our mates have given the world

25 March 2018 - 00:01 By SUE DE GROOT

Australians have had some bad press lately. Apart from jeopardising the career of one of South Africa's finest young cricketers and fuelling racial tension over the land issue, they drew criticism from their own ranks for festive-season parties that got somewhat out of hand, prompting a 10-day drinking ban on Australia's eastern beaches. A police inspector said the level of intoxication was "disappointing" and a mayor condemned the throwing of bottles at police as "un-Australian behaviour".
Let's face it, the land Down Under does have some dubious entries on its CV. Australia gave the world Rolf Harris, the entertainer who was found guilty of a lot more than tying his kangaroo down.They also gave us Mel Gibson, the original antihero of the Mad Max franchise (itself of questionable value to humanity) who appeared to go temporarily mad in 2006 when he let loose a torrent of anti-Semitic abuse after being arrested for suspicion of driving drunk.
Australia also spawned the great tennis player Margaret Court, now a fundamentalist preacher who calls down hellfire and damnation on anyone not of a heterosexual bent. Another ambassador for gender insensitivity was Australia-born Errol Flynn, Hollywood's highest-paid actor in the 1930s.
During what some like to call the golden age of the silver screen, Flynn's direct approach to women and legendary carnal appetites gave rise to the phrase "in like Flynn". When he died at 50, a medical examiner reported that he had the body of a 75-year-old.Had Flynn been around today his swash would have buckled under the weight of the #MeToo brigade, but he Weinsteined his way through life without so much as a slap on the wrist with a piece of tinsel.
On a slightly more elevated stage is Germaine Greer, the pioneering feminist who earlier this year accused the #MeToo movement of "whingeing" before accepting her award as Australian of the Year. And we can't ignore media baron Rupert Murdoch, who thought the best way to keep up with the latest news was to listen in on people's private telephone conversations.
Setting aside these individual peccadilloes and the way Australian settlers treated the folk who were there first, the people of Oz are not all bad. There are, in fact, many things we can thank them for.
Among the devices invented by Australians that have been of great benefit to the world are the black box flight recorder, Wi-Fi, Google Maps, the electronic pacemaker, the ultrasound scanner, the electric drill and the bionic ear.
Refrigeration technology was not invented by an Australian, but James Harrison, a resident of Geelong, Victoria, was the first to demonstrate the practical application of this discovery. In the 1860s he proved that food remained edible for longer when kept cold. Unfortunately, something went wrong when he tried to transport frozen meat from Australia to England. The meat arrived rotten and Harrison went back to being a journalist, perhaps using his fridge for beer instead.
There are many other humans who have done Australia proud. In the film industry alone we have Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Geoffrey Rush, Margot Robbie, Guy Pearce and the late Heath Ledger, a pool of combined talent that goes pretty far towards washing away the stain of Errol Flynn. Add Olivia Newton-John to the mix and Flynn's failings are virtually expunged.Australia's contribution to global culture is way bigger than you'd expect from the size of its population and its geographical location. The world would be a much darker place without Crocodile Dundee, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert and Muriel's Wedding. Not to mention Barry Humphries's peerless Dame Edna Everidge and Kylie Minogue's bottom.
Music has been immeasurably enriched by tunes from Down Under. Emo-kids of all ages would be seriously depressed without Nick Cave, and although INXS frontman Michael Hutchence came to an ignominious end at the age of 37, his musical contribution still shakes the halls of rock. Less well-known but no less gifted is contemporary folk musician Xavier Rudd, who is to the didgeridoo what Jimi Hendrix was to the electric guitar.
Then, of course, there are the sporting greats, among them golfer Greg Norman, bowler Dennis Lillee and batsman Donald Bradman. (When then Australian prime minister Malcolm Fraser visited Nelson Mandela in Pollsmoor prison in 1986, Mandela's first question was: "Is Donald Bradman still alive?")
There are more recent examples of Australian sporting heroes, but some come with their own controversies and we're trying to avoid conflict in this wholehearted defence of the nation that gave us Vegemite and Elle Macpherson.
Australia is unparalleled in its contribution to the worldwide web of living things. Never mind kangaroos, koalas, wombats, emus, saltwater crocodiles and Steve Irwin, the duckbilled platypus is not only one of the most remarkable creatures ever to have survived evolution, it is proof that God, if she exists, has a profound sense of humour.
Australia has also improved the overall wellbeing of humankind by adding a million sheep jokes to the laughter lexicon. Unfair aspersions aside, the Australians are genuinely fond of animals. When their greatest racehorse, Phar Lap, died of complications caused by an overly large heart in 1930, they had him stuffed and mounted in the Victoria Museum.
Moving from fauna to flora, South Africa has received a particularly bountiful bequest from Australia in the form of Port Jackson, the acacia tree that breeds as fast as Australian rabbits used to before myxomatosis was introduced, and which shows no inclination to obey any rules restricting water consumption, just like those damn gum trees.
Come on, Australia, forget about our farmers - do us all a favour and take your trees back instead.
CORRECTION: In the original version of this article, we incorrectly referred to Barry Humphries as Barry Norman...

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