I really detest Women's Day. It has become like a pap smear - unavoidable, invasive, painful and enough to make me hate being a woman.
On Thursday, a "Happy Women's Day" message I received read: "A beautiful woman draws strength from troubles, smiles during distress and grows stronger with prayers and hope. You are one of them."
No, I am definitely not. What kind of idiot "smiles during distress" - or is expected to?
Because I am not a 19th-century Jane Austen character, nor a person in denial of reality, when I am in distress I cry, have a meltdown or withdraw into a funk like a normal person.
Unlike the images that accompany Women's Day messages, I do not hover above the ground in a long, floaty dress with arms outstretched and my hair swirling in the wind.Every year, corporate South Africa plumbs new depths with gimmicks to make women feel "special". On Thursday, Steers announced on social media that it was renaming "our iconic King Steer Burger to the Queen Steer Burger" for August.
After a bout of Twitter outrage - one user asked if this meant the burger was now gay - the restaurant chain deleted the announcement.
Earlier in the week, I balked when I noticed Twitter chatter about a bizarre hashtag - a company called GynaGuard was trying to promote discussion on #12OfficialVaginas.
Considering the absurd lengths to which companies go to court attention, I feared these might be intimate images of 12 women in the cabinet. I saw later that the ploy was to find the term for vagina in all SA's official languages.
Discovering what makes the average woman tick seems to stupefy advertising and marketing people. I received an e-mail newsletter with the subject line: "Ever wonder what he's thinking during sex?"
I was being enticed to click a pink button to "read more" with the following motivation: "Women have wanted to get into the minds of men for years, wondering what they think about all the time. Have you ever wondered what your man may be thinking during sex? Well wonder no more because we have a list of the things he might be thinking of during sex."
At the best of times, I have trouble keeping track of my own thoughts, including what I had been thinking about before the ludicrous e-mail arrived.
Women in SA generally have bigger problems than fixating on what could be on men's minds when the blood has rushed from their brains.
This includes surviving financially, juggling multiple roles, avoiding being violated (usually by someone we know), not being emotionally blackmailed, not inadvertently giving someone the impression that they are entitled to our bodies, and not getting killed.My biggest concern about Women's Day is that it allows for the pretence of sensitivity to gender inequality and abuse, including by those who use these issues for political expediency.
It was a great irony to see the minister of women, Bathabile Dlamini, speaking alongside President Cyril Ramaphosa at the main Women's Day event in Paarl when just eight months ago she accused him of abusing women.
"We want to say, Comrade Cyril, Comrade Deputy President, if you want to speak out about violence against women and children, talk about yourself. You must open up . because you said you know how difficult it is for a woman to take a stand on this issue. And you do have the experience," Dlamini said at an event in KwaZulu-Natal during the 16 Days of Activism campaign.
Dlamini, who is also president of the ANC Women's League, said this just a few days before the ANC's elective conference where Ramaphosa ran against and beat the league's preferred candidate, Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma.
"We're going to call people who are prepared to speak about his history," Dlamini threatened in December.
She did no such thing and seems happy to serve in a portfolio whose main objective should be action against the very abuse she accused Ramaphosa of. Either Dlamini lied or she is no longer concerned that the president might be a predator.
In his address, Ramaphosa said a war was being waged against women. "It is a war against women's bodies, their dignity and their right to freedom, security and equality," he said.
"In ways that are both subtle and brutal, women are subjected each and every day to verbal, emotional and physical abuse. In a society that has long struggled against gender-based violence, the assault on the integrity and humanity of women has reached unprecedented levels."
Why then did Ramaphosa appoint a minister of women who makes a farce of gender abuse? To accommodate the ANC's factional divides, he chose an incompetent and dangerous politician to head what is essentially a junior portfolio.
If Dlamini could make up allegations against him, what makes the president think she would not weaponise the issue against others?
The platitudes and charade around Women's Day keep violence, harassment and patriarchy alive and well. No wonder we are losing the war, and women continue to live in fear and pain...