Makes me wish I was a stray...

We're about to head into the fourth week of January. Easily the most broke week of the year for most of us. Thanks a lot, December!

So last week, from the middle of this century's version of The Great Depression, I managed to scrounge up just enough spare change from between my couch cushions to buy a newspaper (I also found an unrecognisable pill that I'm saving for next Saturday night). It was in this paper that I read about a cat in Italy named Tommasino, who just became one of the richest pets in the world.

Tommasino inherited £10-million when his owner died at the end of 2011 and left him the entire family fortune. (The grandchildren can't be happy!) And we're not even talking about one of those pedigreed cats with the fancy names, such as Lady Marmalade Friesian Duchess Persian Shenanigan III, with a bloodline as long as your arm and a better family tree than Princess Margaret. This was just some scabby stray that the 94-year-old lady had taken in off the street.

Cats are geniuses. It's a well-known fact. And they're not just good at financial planning, they have a fantastic sense of humour, and they've also got that whole aloof thing going on that drives most of us humans crazy with desire. In fact, I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that it was the cat who first invented playing hard to get. It's no surprise they were considered sacred and were worshipped as far back as ancient Egypt.

Crafty little creatures, it's only taken them a few centuries to achieve near complete world domination. (Not including India where the cow beat them to it, and China where they go down well with a little hot sauce.) Have you checked out the internet lately? Cat pictures and videos almost outnumber pornographic ones. Almost. There's already a YouTube and a PornTube, watch this space, next up I predict a CatTube.

I once dated a guy who was so besotted with his furries that we were never allowed to disturb a sleeping cat in his household. We had to climb into bed around them. It was like playing a round of Twister before lights out.

But back to Tomassino. One has to wonder what on Earth an animal is going to do with £10-million? A cat could live out all nine lives in luxury and still never manage to spend that much cash. Surely, once you've bought nine lifetimes' supply of fish heads and catnip, a couple of hundred litres of the finest cream, and a double-storey scratching post with built-in squeaky mouse toys, and a few balls of wool, then what to do with the remaining £9999999-million? There's only so much one can spend on gold-plated kitty litter.

Perhaps, with his new-found wealth, our fat cat should hook up with the number-one richest pet in the world, a dog named Gunther IV, a German shepherd who inherited more than £90-million. And Blackie, a cat who inherited £9-million back in 1988. (In my opinion the cops should consider looking into the circumstances of these pet owner's deaths. I'd say £9-million would be motive enough, even for a creature with no opposable thumbs).

These three loaded pets could hang out at the park, where Blackie and Tommasino could smoke cigars while throwing a golden stick for Gunther IV. Then maybe they'll all pop out for a bowl of caviar together. And then later meet up with the Queen's Corgis for a couple of rounds of poker. (What, haven't you ever seen that famous painting, Dogs Playing Poker? It's their favourite game. After fetch, licking their bollocks and chasing their own tails, of course.)

You've got to love the fact that while most of us are just barely hanging in there, eating gruel and skimping on whisky till payday, somewhere out there are a couple of cats and dogs who are literally worth their weight in gold. It's all a bit barking mad, if you ask me.