I've discovered a new way to ditch unwanted friends

I have been in many complicated situations this week, but the funniest has to be the text messages I have been receiving.

You know when you have lost your phone - along with all your contacts - and somebody sends you a text with no identification asking you out for coffee?

As a nice person I always respond politely that I don't know who the text is from, but for some reason the recipient always feels insulted and never tells me who it is.

I always consider calling them to explain myself, but then I figure, hey, we couldn't have been that tight in the first place. Why do folk feel insulted instead of just responding: "Hey, it's Theo, call me"?

So I figured this is probably the best way to get rid of unwanted friends.

If you get a text from somebody you despise or want to ignore just tell them your phone has been stolen and could they please identify themselves.

Once they tell you who they are and you definitely don't want to converse with them, send another text which reads: "Who?"

That way I promise they will leave you alone.

Here are other ways to get rid of folk who think they are your mates, but are just a nuisance.

• Always pretend you are on your phone. Even when it rings while you are pretending, still stay on your fake call unless the real one is from a known number.

• Never answer your phone if it is an unknown number on the weekends because they are sure to change your weekend by telling you their pedestrian problems about relatives you don't give a hoot about.

• As you know, I put sanitary towels or tampons on my desk to ward off loiterers during working hours.

Who wants arbs coming into one's office and sharing their life with you?

• Cry hysterically when stopped by traffic cops. While weeping, grab on to them asking out loud: "Why, why, why?" Trust me it works on cops as well as on unwanted lovers.

They get too shocked and want to be rid of you soonest.

• Get into the habit of leaving people behind. If a neighbour continues to harass you for a lift each morning, just leave much earlier.

They will soon get the hint.

• Halitosis is also a great idea if the office creep who knows nothing about personal space is always having random chats.

Eating anchovies is a favourite of mine.

• Sometimes I pretend I don't hear folk even when I am sitting next to them. This works. Try it.

• When someone is about to start a conversation which will inevitably be about them and their problems, pretend your phone is ringing or that you hear somebody calling you and walk rapidly in the other direction.

• The chair in front of your desk should always be occupied by your handbags or boxes to deter folk from just sitting and talking s**t that has nothing to do with you.

• If that doesn't do it, put a "no entry" sign on your door.

If you are wondering why I've decided to get rid of folk I used to know? I will tell you as it's simple really.

You have to get rid of excess baggage and it is spring so you have an excuse.

But the main reason I am so cynical is because it's your acquaintances who spread gossip about you and since I have three amazing and talented siblings I'd rather be friends with them, thanks.

So if you text me and I tell you I have lost my numbers and don't know who you are, please realise that it's a lie.

It's you I want to lose.