Hogarth: 16 January 2011

Hogarth knows no political allegiance and is equally impatient with ideological lunacy be it peddled by the left, the right or the centre.

Low calibre used to shoot self in own foot

Thabo Mbeki is hardly rushing to confirm his authorship - as reported by Wikileaks - of COPE's largely unread policy documents. Who would want to be associated with that bunch of no-hopers?

It appears, however, that the deposed Tyrant of Tuynhuys would have been welcome within COPE's ranks. According to the Cape Times, COPE spokesman Sipho Ngwema said: "COPE has never been able to successfully attract leaders of Mbeki's calibre. Had that happened, surely our party would be different from what it has been over the past two years." Hogarth wonders how Ngwema's client, self-anointed new party leader Mbhazima Shilowa, feels about that.

Locked horns

IF you wonder whether Mbhazima will cope as leader of his diminishing band, consider this: reporters were called to a news conference this week to hear him declare himself the legitimate new leader of the party. When they arrived, they had to talk to a receptionist through a locked gate. After a wait, she emerged from a different direction to lead them to a lower floor, out to the fire escape and up to COPE's office through an emergency exit. Apparently no one had been able to wrest the keys from rival Terror Lekota's wrathful grip.

Chest out, foot down

Next time you need a policeman in a hurry in Gauteng, don't let anyone tell you there's no car available. Top cop Bheki Cele handed over 300 shiny new ones this week on top of 350 delivered late last year and with 70 more soon to come. Telling his crime busters to stop whining and get on with it, he said: "If there are no cars, there are shoes, you must walk. Even those shoes are state shoes."

So. Mr Plod: Boots or Beemer?

Time to behave

WITH memories of Durban still fresh in his mind, Julius Malema kept an eye on his quarter-million-rand watch and was on time for the ANC's 99th birthday bash in Polokwane last weekend. He had tried to upstage the Big Man at the party's Durban conference by making an entrance during President Zuma's speech, but ended up slinking to his seat with only a few hisses to welcome him and then had to endure a public tongue-lashing from the boss.

Together again at last

Malema and kindergarten graduate Fikile Mbalula, now the minister of sport, did arrive fashionably late for Zuma's separate opening of the party's new provincial offices in Polokwane and hung about holding hands before heading off together in Malema's black BMW X5.

Independent thinking

BRIGALIA Bam, chairman of the Independent Electoral Commission, and CEO Pansy Tlakula need a little choir practice together. "Wow," was all a clearly startled Bam could say when Tlakula told reporters the IEC hoped to rustle up 1.5 million new voters this year.

Role paying

The ANC chief whip at parliament, Mathole Motshekga, looked distinctly envious when he met his Tanzanian counterpart, the honourable William Lukuvi, this week.

Motshekga gets a little bonus on top of his MP's salary for trying to keep the ANC horde in line, but Lukuvi gets to be chief whip, minister of state in the prime minister's office, and minister for parliamentary affairs.

That would be like getting Motshekga's salary, the chief whip's bonus, Collins Chabane's ministerial pay packet and Kgalema Motlanthe's stipend for being leader of government business.

Nice work if you can get it.

Going down in history

Children using the "Presidency Kids" pages of the government website should not expect top marks. The "History of the Union Buildings" section on presidents since 1994 ends without specifying a year: "25 September - Present: Kgalema Motlanthe." Could that be why there were so few matric distinctions for history?

• Write to: hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za