The List: Suit Stories

It was only when we were bickering over the name of an item of apparel into which JLo (perhaps ill-advisedly) had squeezed herself that I realised what an advantage I have over many of my colleagues, in terms of Anno Domini.

Theirs is a generation spared the excesses of the '60s, '70s and '80s - so what if they don't know their unitard from their boiler suit?

It began with the jump suit back in the 1940s, an all-in-one outfit worn by parachutists to, literally, jump out of planes. Unlike the boiler suit, another item of utilitarian wear beloved of mechanics and boiler-makers, it was not fitted. Who would have imagined that this drabuniform would be adopted by the glamour end of showbiz? Jump suits were reinvented in the '70s, given edge by Johnny Cash, gaudily pimped up by Elvis and dragged into the mainstream by Abba and the Bee Gees.

From Studio 54 to the streets of Kroonstad, these unflattering garments were worn by all ages, all sizes, and all sexes in a variety of fabrics, from towelling to Crimplene. Later came the "play suit", a sleeveless, legless version. Ghastly is not the word.

The cat suit, made of shiny fabric and worn with high-heeled boots, magnified every roll and lump and was generally avoided by men, except for superheroes who couldn't get along without their unitard, underpants worn on the outside, although they gave the spiked boots a miss.

From human suit in Modesty Blaise, Jane Fonda in Barbarella to Carrie Moss in The Matrix and, best of all, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, perfectly proportioned women have made the gleaming leather and vinyl an object of fetishistic desire. Few normal women have dared to adopt this fashion.

Then there's the whole track suit/shell suit thing: the track suit was what we wore at school over our swimsuits or gymslips. It was not something a stylish youngster would ever dream of wearing socially. But then along came the shell suit, elevating the humble old track suit into an item of '80s haute couture. It was one of the biggest fashion faux pas of the late 20th century but remains a firm favourite with rappers, hip-hop artists and Ali G.

And let me not get started on the zoot suit, the lounge suit or the environmental suit. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, although it's unlikely the evangelist Matthew envisioned anything as disturbing as a fat man in a shiny jump suit with a big zip when he penned those sentiments.