Accidental Tourist: French for duh-meez

Some basic phrases will only get you so far - and red-faced - in the City of Lights

I was recently invited to France on a media trip, but the moment the cry of "Yay!" had left my lips, I recalled the little problem I had had on previous visits. They speak French there. And I don't.

I mulled this over. And then turned to my iPhone, which, I have learnt, can solve most of life's problems with an app.

Within seconds, I had downloaded Basic French for Dummies. Brilliant. There were handy sections titled Small Talk, Expressions and Ten Common Mistakes, such as declining more food by saying, "No thanks, I am full," which translates into saying you are pregnant. Good to know.

My favourite was Ten Phrases That Make You Sound French. I studied this earnestly during my flight to Paris. First up: "Give me a call!" This would be a critical phrase to use on all the fabulous Parisians I was about to meet. A French voice on my phone gave me the exact pronunciation and I repeated: "Passez-moi un coup de fil!"

"Uh, madame, you want me to call you?" It was the man sitting next to me. Oh dear. How do you say, "I am sorry, I'm learning French from my Basic Dummies app"? I typed in sorry. It said: "Désolé/e (m/f) navré/e (m/f) (day-zoh-lay; nah-vray)". Crikey, I didn't have a clue how to proceed from here, but the language experts assure us that the best is to plunge right in.

I wasted no time: "Désolé/e m/f navré m/f day-zoh-lay, nah-vray." His expression darkened to a deeper shade of quizzical. "Pardon, monsieur," I said, waving my phone, "French for dummies".

He looked at me: "Who is duh-meez?"

Not one of the 10 phrases that would Make You Sound French seemed appropriate at this point. These included: "What an adorable little boy!" "I don't believe it!" "I want to buy a little something!" "Let's have a drink!" (People of France, are the exclamation marks really necessary?) I'm afraid I took the low road, dear reader. I switched my phone off and watched Die Hard 3 instead.

The one phrase I was determined to memorise perfectly was: "That was fantastic!" This I would say in response to every incredible meal I was going to have in every café in Paris, a great way to express excitement, said my app. "C'était genial! Say-the-zhay-nyahl!"

The lunchtime dawned where I would unleash my French in true native style. I sat down at a café in the Montmartre and ordered the cheapest dish on the menu. It was spaghetti bolognese and cost R180. At R70 a glass of wine, the phrase "Let's have a drink!" would have to wait until I got to a cheaper part of town.

My waiter Pierre swooped and set down a plate of spaghetti with a great arc of bonhomie: "Voilà!" You don't need a French app to understand that and I responded with my most sophisticated Parisian hint of a smile: "Merci!" (Note the exclamation mark, proof that I was conquering the language.)

At R180, the spaghetti would have to last me two days and I polished it off. At last I pushed my empty plate away and refreshed my memory by holding the phone to my ear: "Say-the-zhay-nyahl!" OK, got it.

Pierre approached and bent down to take the plate. I leant back casually in my chair and said: "C'était genial! Merci!"

Pierre froze mid-air. Then he stretched up to full height and looked down at me: "No, no, no madame!"

He fetched his English at the bottom of his vocal chords and growled: "It was NOT fantastic! It was spaghetti bolognese! You keep that phrase until you go to a GOOD restaurant! This," and he pointed at the plate, "was just bon, not genial!"

I closed Basic French for Dummies, went to look for a café where they spoke English and happily paid R80 for a glass of wine.