Put your best foot forward

Drive along any number of unlit streets anywhere in our country and you are certain to have a near miss with jaywalkers or pedestrians who think they are invincible.

For once, I am not going to whine about the absurd things motorists do but, instead, give a guide to the walking time-bombs, aka pedestrians, who clearly don't know how to navigate their way safely across busy roads.

Tip 1: Go Green. If you are going to cross the road then, for goodness sake, do it when the little green man tells you to. But even then, since this is South Africa, look both ways before you set off and, because this is South Africa, look both ways repeatedly. Granted, you will either get whiplash or a headache - or both - and it might take you the rest of the day to cross the road but, at least, you will live to take painkillers!

Tip 2: Run like hell - the law states that Speed Kills and when it comes to crossing the road, this can be a bit ambiguous, because the speed of a car driven by a motorist who thinks a red light is a mere suggestion, will kill you; as will the slow speed of a pedestrian who sincerely believes that guardian angel has the power to stop a colour-blind motorist.

Bear in mind your guardian angel can - and usually does - fly but use this tip in conjunction with Tip 1 and you should get across in one piece.

Tip 3: Develop a thick skin; a pedestrian is the lowest life-form on our roads. Even animals have the right of way in our country.

As a skittish pedestrian, you will have to develop a thick skin, not so that you can bounce safely off the bonnets of cars, but because you are going to need it when you make a break for it whenever there is a gap in traffic.

Even when there isn't a gap, but you feel you would have waited long enough for the mythical green man to beckon you across, you will undoubtedly have to make a dash across the street at break-neck speed.

The thick skin is to help you ignore the blaring hooters and foul language yelled by angry motorists and not let them break your self esteem to the point where you begin to take drugs or become an alcoholic.

To get across the road safely, use Tip 1 and 2 above, and repeat after me, "I am not the private parts of a rat".

Tip 4: Adopt a traffic light - sometimes the traffic lights are a fair distance from your point of origin and the mere thought of walking 500m in a direction opposite to your destination is a fate worse than being told you need a root canal. It is at this pivotal moment that pedestrians embark on a collision course with half a ton of metal should they opt not to cross at the lights.

The key to pedestrian safety is to accept that traffic lights are your friend because they tell motorists what to do; and if motorists obey, pedestrians have the right of way.

Even if the lights change abruptly while you are still strolling across the street, motorists will be unable to accelerate into you and will have to wait until you have crossed in front of them.

Granted, motorists might always be in a hurry, but one thing they are not in a hurry for is a lengthy discussion with the police about why they ran you over. Just remember Tip 3 because it and worse will echo in your ears for days afterwards, thanks to impatient motorists who will let rip at you!

Tip 5: Look determined - indecisiveness is an unattractive quality and if erroneously applied to crossing the road could redefine the term "upwardly mobile".

As a pedestrian, your main objective is to be in an upright position facing the direction of your destination - preferably on your own two feet.

If you are going to go then, for Pete's sake, stride purposefully and without hesitation or shame; or just skedaddle across the road. But, once you have made a decision to cross the road - for goodness sake cross it!

Stepping off the pavement, taking a few steps into the road, then making an about turn and high-tailing it back to the pavement will cause other pedestrians to point and laugh at you and may scar you psychologically for the rest of your life.

If you hadn't employed Tip 4 above, then Tips 1, 2 and 3 might be your saving grace.