Cooking course: Kitchen unconfidential

A cooking course with a difference run by Societi Bistro will have you crying, sweating and begging for mercy. In the best way possible. By Susan Hayden

There can't be a foodist alive who hasn't watched one of those restaurant TV shows where red-faced chefs scream in rage at their terrified apprentices and secretly wondered how he or she would fare in that environment.

So, when I was offered the opportunity to take part in Societi Bistro's new bootcamp cooking school - which involves actually working in their busy kitchen - my answer was, "Yes, chef!" While I love cooking and have a few (easy) signature dishes, the truth is I know eff-all - and I've been wanting to do a course for the longest time.

 Because, truly, if you can't cut an onion right you have no business making fennel foam. It's like playing the piano - Chopsticks before Chopin.

I was nervous as hell - if I chopped off a finger, writing for a living would be challenging; not to mention the disaster of sending a heinous risotto to South Africa's biggest food critic.

 Or worse, my idol Annie Lennox, who's a regular there. Happily, these dudes are far too slick and professional for any of that, and although I did send out a few risottos it was not before they were thoroughly tasted and assessed.

It was awesome being shown the ropes and learning the tricks that allow restaurant kitchens to serve hot, consistently good à la carte dishes to tables of 30 or more.

The chefs at Societi will adapt their programme to your specific interests, and you will learn some solid basics that will stand you in good stead pretty much forever.

I learnt how not to be afraid of mayonnaise or béarnaise, that a beautiful stock is the basis of every good soup, sauce and risotto - no matter what Jamie Oliver says, it's one area that you cannot skimp on - and, something I've always wanted to know, how to make perfect calamari (it's actually insanely easy, all about oiling the fish instead of the pan and waiting till the pan is smoking hot).

Some other small but important tricks: if you want your mushroom risotto (their signature dish) to taste really mushroomy, don't add celery and carrot to your soffritto - onion and garlic will do. So obvious, but something I never knew.

And, for the love of the kitchen gods, use mushroom, not chicken, stock. Yes, it's a little more time-consuming to prepare, but make a batch and freeze it. If you're a risotto fundi, the resulting depth of flavour is really worth the hassle.

You choose whether you want to do three days or five (five days includes a course in pastry-making), and then you hang out in the kitchen from around 10am till 10pm with a break in the afternoon. So, don't plan anything on those days and get granny to fetch the

kids. You'll start with knife techniques (it really does make a difference), peeling and chopping, and then have the opportunity to watch the chef prepare dishes while you taste and add seasoning and learn about flavour profiles.

During the daytime the atmosphere is relaxed and interactive as the chefs chat, share cooking tips and involve you in their tasks. Night-time gets a little hairy as the restaurant fills up and when you get told to make a "steak salad" (cos lettuce, tomato, red onions and pre-made vinaigrette) you suddenly become a blithering idiot who doesn't know what vinaigrette is.

But it's just nerves, and the staff are super-nice and helpful. It gets hot, steamy and stressful as chefs and waiters alike juggle an insane number of balls to make sure each paying guest enjoys the perfect dining experience.

Societi is full to capacity most nights, and every single thing is prepared from scratch. It gave me new respect for how exhausting it is being on your feet (standing and running) for 12 hours a day, and how much sheer elbow grease goes into the hand-peeled beans you chow down in your spring salad.

On day one you get given a spoon, and you're encouraged to taste almost everything, so you get a good sense of the correct seasoning and how flavour and texture work together to balance dishes and make mouths happy.

It's a great course for people who like entertaining and want to give their cooking a bit of extra oomph. Or who want to find out how they would cope with the pressure of a real-life restaurant kitchen. But mostly it's fun and informative. And at the end you get to invite seven friends to the chef's table where you show off everything you've learnt (and win their lifelong respect) by preparing their dinner yourself. Which is rather a fabulous finale.

• R3000 for three days; R5000 for five days. See http://societi.co.za/kitchenunconfidential/ for more information.