Miracle cure: change channel

Pastor Mboro focuses on gynaecological issues among his gullible flock

Why do so many South Africans bother flocking to Nigeria for the healing attentions of TB Joshua? Someone should tell them that with the flick of a remote control, they can enjoy the homegrown ministrations of Pastor Paseko Motsoeneng.

You can catch Pastor Mboro, as he's colloquially known, on DStv Channel 251 every Sunday. He's sort of like TB Joshua-lite. Like Joshua, Motsoeneng is a wealthy televangelist with a bunch of cars and a group of armed men to provide protection. Like Joshua, he claims to be able to heal a wide range of ailments, and is a self-styled "prophet".

He is a very modern prophet, is Mboro. Sometimes he prays for people "in his Facebook".

"In the name of Jesus, I rebuke that epilepsy right now!" he yells, tapping his laptop screen.

His camera crew is on hand to capture his "miracles" for posterity. If you don't have DStv, you can catch them on his YouTube channel. On one video, a woman has left him a poignant message.

"Dear Pastor Mboro," it reads. "I am 59 lady I am sick I always on bed because of lot of pains. I saw you on TV DOING MIRACLE. May you please help me from that hell."

The honourable pastor's response urges her to hurry over to his website to buy a "powerful DVD that deals with your kind of issues".

Motsoeneng is a dapper little chap with a penchant for glittery suits. He also has extremely long fingernails, perhaps for clawing at demons. His nails would hardly be worth mentioning if it weren't for the fact that Motsoeneng has been known in the past to dip them into women's vaginas as part of his healing process.

When Motsoeneng goes digging in women's "biscuits", as he calls them, he finds the most extraordinary things. Stones, in one case; fish, in another. The fish came from a woman previously diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. In a complaint to the SA Human Rights Commission a few years ago, Sonke Gender Justice also cited an incident in which he kissed a minor to heal her of sores in her mouth, and then said he'd like to kiss her all day because her lips were so soft.

Not for nothing is his ministry called Incredible Happenings: tagline, "It's incredible, it's happening!"

Despite having attracted some consternation for what outsiders to his church might term "public sexual assault", Motsoeneng continues to have a special interest in solving women's issues. On his TV show he recently laid out his healing schedule for the next two months.

"Menstrual disorders," the prophet said matter-of-factly. "There are things that are moving in your womb." And don't be fooled, ladies: it's not your uterine lining! You're probably bewitched by a "spiritual husband". Motsoeneng deals with a lot of those.

"Bring your underwear. We are going to pray for it," he continued. "And anoint it." With what? I don't think I want to know.

He also recently tackled the dreadful social problem of older women dating younger men, and the scourge of young ladies who use muti to charm men. Motsoeneng has his eye firmly fixed on society's most pressing ills. In October, he'll be tackling "every challenge that is facing a woman".

Except, presumably, that of predatory pastors feeding off scientific ignorance and superstition.

Because the prophet is beamed into thousands of South African homes every week, it's not even necessary to attend his services in Katlehong. "Touch the screen and receive your miracle," Motsoeneng coos. Far safer than a trip to Lagos.