The conch: Take your leave when the teacup has cooled

Do you know when to leave? We know when to arrive, don't we? In this part of the world we have a reputation for bad time-keeping. It's called African time.

Politicians are almost expected to arrive hours late, while the people wait patiently without a murmur. Both sides are complicit in this facade of normality.

I, too, have been guilty of tardiness. I was once left behind in Frankfurt by my German hosts because I was not ready at the scheduled time of departure.

The Germans did not feel sorry for me. As far as they were concerned there were things to consider, such as people waiting for us at the other end. They were having none of my sloppiness. German pace never misses a beat. Everything must be done precisely.

Abandoned in a strange city in the name of orderliness and precision. Was that heartless or right? You be the judge.

Never mind arriving, many don't know when to leave. If Granny Annie reads this, she will be pleased to know I have exposed the relatives who stayed and stayed. She was recovering from an operation and the visit was to wish her well. But Granny could only go so far before becoming tired. How do you tell family you've had enough and they must go home?

I was impressed at the recent funeral of a Jehovah's Witness. I didn't know the deceased, but a friend invited me and who can resist a funeral when you know there will be free food? A representative of the deceased approached the guests, shook our hands and thanked us for coming, just before we became too settled. It was the cue to leave.

I must admit I would have stayed longer if it wasn't for that hint. I had met some interesting people and the food was marvellous. There was a nice chicken curry and a good selection of cakes, and making this my main meal of the day meant I wouldn't have to cook later. As you know, we live in trying times.

It is that time of the year again when people rove from here to there in the name of festive cheer. They call it the silly season, but if you ask me it's a frenzy of nerves as you wait for people to realise home time was two hours ago.

All I know is that it is better to leave an event early than to never leave at all. What are you still doing at someone's house at 4am? If that's you, then you are no friend of mine. I'm in bed by 10pm reading a book, Christmas or no Christmas.

The Cinderella approach may be worth trying if you are prone to being carried away by endless partying. The Cinderella way entails planning to leave while you can still remember which direction your house lies in and, of course, being home by midnight.

Here is some advice. Do not become too settled, too relaxed or too complacent when partying or you will outstay your welcome. Discern the body language of your host. Note how Granny Annie has been slumped in her chair for the past few hours without uttering a word. It's her silent way of trying to tell you something.

At the end of the day, how and when you say your hellos and goodbyes is none of my business - unless Granny is involved. That's when I'll put my foot down.

Before I forget, there's one more thing: Please don't hoot a farewell as you drive off into the summer night. Spare a thought for neighbours like me who were already in bed just as your party was warming up. LS