20 Dad things that Dads do

Oliver Roberts lists some of the funny, silly and serious things he knows about fathers

1) Stand at the front door looking at his watch and saying “Come on, we’re going to be late!” 10 minutes before it’s necessary to leave.

2) Wear T-shirts and other garb he got for free on a corporate golf day on weekends.

3) Suggest a game of garden cricket or soccer and be the first to hit/kick the ball into the neighbour’s garden.

4) Sustain some sort of minor/major injury attempting a routine DIY task.

5) When travelling overseas, he insists on carrying everyone’s passport and air tickets in a handy leather pouch and keeps checking inside said pouch every 15 minutes to make sure everything is still there.

6) When you’re a kid and your mom isn’t home, he let’s you have pancakes and a milkshake for supper and says, “Don’t tell your mother.”

7) If he’s forced to use an ATM that doesn’t belong to his bank, complain bitterly about bank charges.

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8) On vacation or public holidays, he suddenly wears a pair of khaki shorts that you’ve never seen before and pairs them with sandals and socks and  wraparound sunglasses.

9) When you’re a kid, he buys you a Lego set for Christmas and then pretty much takes over building the whole thing himself.

10) Teach you how to ride a bicycle by doing that thing when he runs behind the bike saying, “I’ve still got you!” and when you turn to look he’s actually let go of the saddle and you fall and he laughs.

11) Make the whole family watch Ben Hur every single Christmas holiday.

12) Drive around a crowded parking lot for ages, determined to find the spot closest to an entrance instead of just settling for all the available ones a little further away.

13) When you’re stuck in unexpected traffic, veer from the main road and proudly tell everyone in the car that he knows a “secret route”, only for the alternative route to be twice as long in length and time.

14) Sing songs you’ve never heard of.

15) Tell stories about the sporting prowess of his youth.

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16) Fall asleep on the couch while watching TV in that style when his head is tilted back and his mouth is flopped wide open.

17) At some point in your life tell you that you “need to learn the value of money”.

18) Wear a fanny pack full of cash while on an overseas holiday.

19) Inform you that you’re driving too fast.

20) Fill the house every morning with the thunderous melody of his farts.