Booze brings out the real you: 7 drunk personality types

Sorry, but there's no such thing as a happy drunk according to research published last week in that laugh-a-minute journal Clinical Psychological Science.

While many people claim that drinking is to blame for the changes in their personality, these myth-debunking boffins have concluded that alcohol does not radically change your personality. Instead it merely brings out the real you, made more extrovert and loud.

Many have relied on the booze excuse to get out of scrapes, get cut some slack or to excuse out-of-character, over-the-top behaviour.

''It wasn't me - it was the Sauvignon/single malt/dirty martini."

Here are 7 types of drunk we're convinced we become - but are beginning to realise we maybe always were:

1) POLITICAL PUNDIT DRUNK

"Let's change the subject shall we, darling?" Dinner parties often fall victim to the tendency of wine-emboldened guests to become loudly opinionated about topical issues. It starts with small-talk about local schools and before you know it, everyone's holding court about who's captured who, Donald Trump versus reason, Bathabile Dlamini's turban or the budding bromance between Mmusi Maimane and Julius Malema. Before long, friends have become enemies and racists have exposed themselves on social media.

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2) FLUENT LINGUIST DRUNK

Whether you're chatting up a waiter or bonding with locals, a few beverages convince you that you're fully conversant in any language. Your long-forgotten primary school Zulu comes flooding back, if not just the patronising accent. Combined with lots of gesturing, what could possibly go wrong? Oops, you've inadvertently insulted his family. And you remember that talking really slowly always helps comprehension.

3) GREATEST DANCER DRUNK

Wedding discos and office parties are the natural habitats of this genre of drunk. Sure, you haven't "thrown shapes" or "cut some rug" since . well, since the phrases "throwing shapes" and "cutting rug" were acceptable. Yet that won't stop you storming the dance floor and enthusiastically busting a move. Muscle memory brings back the familiar moves of your youth. You throw in the odd new flourish, copied off your fellow (also a bit tipsy) party animals. You're slightly off the beat, so can hear your own feet. You mouth along to the lyrics, despite only knowing the occasional word. Enjoy it while you can, twinkle toes, because achy legs, sore feet and flushed cheeks of shame await you in the morning.

4) EXPERT SHOPPER DRUNK

What could be more sensible than a tipsy online spending spree? Basking in the warm glow of the screen, drink to hand, you'll start by browsing your favourite sites: Takealot.com, Superbalist, Yuppiechef, Asos, Yoox, Brand Alley, Net-A-Porter. The last is soberingly expensive so suddenly you're in the mood for a bargain. A quick click and you're cruising eBay, recklessly bidding on stuff you didn't know you needed. Absent-mindedly humming a pop song, you nip onto iTunes to download a few tunes. Stop off at Amazon. Have a bulk-buying brainwave. Next morning, your inbox is full of regrettable receipts. They should fit breathalysers to laptops. Pro tip: steer clear of pets and holidays.

5) DIGITAL GURU DRUNK

And if you think breathalysers being fixed to laptops is a good idea, the same goes for smartphones and social networking sites. It might stop you tweeting that bon mot that you think is hilarious but totally isn't - and is also riddled with typos. It might prevent you posting that ill-advised rant on Facebook which you sheepishly delete the next morning. It might even halt your habit of maniacally liking friends' old Instagram pics or unsubtly cyber-stalking your exes. Step away from LinkedIn until sober.

6) DOWN-WITH-THE-KIDS DRUNK

A few drinks takes years off you in your alcohol-addled imagination. Hence you'll outstay your welcome at post-work drinks when the office youngsters really want the old codgers to leave them to it. Sadly, buying a round doesn't entitle you to bore them with your cringe-making attempts to appear cool. See also: cornering your own teenagers or friends' student offspring for slightly slurred chats about sex/drugs/rock 'n roll.

7) SEXY DRUNK

Strange how we can spot this a mile away when it's somebody else making clumsily pickled advances but never notice it in ourselves. Nope, we're just engaging in some subtle coquettishness and sophisticated flirtation. We're not the squiffy sex pest here. Lord no.- The Daily Telegraph

•This article was originally published in The Times.