At last someone is drawing the line against Bart and Barbie

First it was the Great Satan, now Iran is taking on the godless ranks of toyland and TV

An open letter to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Dear Mahmoud,

I THINK you're one cool Persian cat and I want to pledge my support in your war against the axis of evil (America, Israel, Homer Simpson).

I was pleased when I heard some time ago that your government had banned Barbie from being sold in toy shops, and I was doubly pleased when I read this week that the Simpsons had joined that immoral she-devil on the blacklist.

I won't allow the slut Barbie in my home, either. She represents a terrible sickness that pervades Western society today. I hate her so much, flashing her long, smooth legs at us and shoving her sexuality in our faces. It's wrong and shameful and her entire family should be stoned to death.

As for those degenerate Simpsons, the less said the better. Well done to your Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults for banning this dangerous filth.

I used to watch the programme and began spending less time at home and more time in the pub. I started abusing the pets and frequently tried to strangle my own son.

Before I knew it, my skin had turned yellow and my hair fell out. I put on weight and lay around the house dreaming of junk food, deviant sex and how to make piles of money without having to work for it.

Apparently Iran has not banned Superman and Spider-Man on the grounds that they help the "oppressed". That's what they want you to believe. These so-called superheroes are CIA agents. Worse than that, word on the street is that they are gay. Take my advice and add them to the blacklist. Your country will be safer for it.

If you have to give your children gifts, give them chemistry sets so they may learn how to enrich uranium from a young age. Israel and America would like nothing more than to destroy the nuclear family in Iran. They must be thwarted.

You have oil, my friend. That is the ace up your sleeve. It is also what got you into this mess in the first place.

Listen. Before I forget. Your deputy head of the Revolutionary Guards?

Get him to change his name. Hossein Salami makes one think more of a cured sausage than it does a highly trained soldier. Besides, an awful lot of pigs unwittingly find their way into salamis these days and you wouldn't want your elite 2nd Mounted Camel Brigade tainted with that image as they ride into battle.

I, for one, believe you when you say your nuclear programme is for civilian energy purposes only.

Israel won't say whether they have nuclear weapons, but I think their 400 warheads speak for themselves.

Did you know that Israel offered to sell South Africa nuclear weapons in 1975? A couple of atomic bombs would have sorted out the darkie problem once and for all.

Iran has come a long way since the raving lunatic Ayatollah Khomeini put a bounty on the head of that sloe-eyed sloth, Salman Rushdie. Hasn't it? Of course it has.

I hear that women who show their ankles in public are no longer tortured, raped and executed.

Instead, they are simply executed. And yet there are still those who would portray your government as inhumane and barbaric. If these hand-holding infidels had their way, Tehran would look like New York City in no time at all.

Here's my advice. Seal off the Strait of Hormuz. Having 1000 oil tankers backed up in the Gulf will buy you some time. It doesn't even have to be threatening. Turn it into a party.

When our trucks are stranded at the Zimbabwean border for days on end, the drivers break out the brandy and the whores and a great time is had by all.

You could do the same - without the women or alcohol, obviously. I'm sure you could come up with a way of putting the fun back into fundamentalism.

In my country we have a saying: "One who enters a hut does not smell the termites roasting in the boiler." I don't know what it means, either.

Good luck and watch your back. - Mustafa-Beer Trovato