We road test a new condom

Durex's latest creation is poles apart from the government-issue condoms of old, writes Kulani Nkuna, after giving it a go.

"Don't you dare come near me with that thing!" said the amorous lass to Bongani Hlophe, the moment he whipped out a government-issue condom. It was not one of the latter-day Choice government condoms that Hlophe was hogging, but the old silver variety, with the red Aids ribbon in the middle.

"You are not going to touch me with those condoms," the lady protested. It was towards the end of the month and the poor fella could not afford brand-name rubbers. The woman left and he didn't get any.

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This sad tale, a true story, came to mind recently at the launch of Durex's new Real Feel condom. It is said that this batch gives the user a "natural skin-on-skin feeling". The problem with those post-democracy condoms was the greasiness that accompanied the sexual experience. The post-coital odour was not flattering and its thickness made it seem like there was "God in between the penis and the vagina", the rebel woman later explained to Hlophe, when his finances were a bit perkier.

The dame was right to object. When government was concerned with resolving an escalating Aids problem, they unleashed a grand impediment to sexual pleasure with those things. If that was not enough of a deterrent to intercourse, the condoms were accompanied by scare tactics that suggested certain death would follow if one did not make use of them. None the less, certain parts of the hood were impervious to government's argument and sought the good stuff sans protection.

Questions like "How can you eat a sweet with the wrapper still attached?" did their rounds in the township. But women took government's mantra to heart, and repeated slogans such as "No glove, no love!". It was war. New terms appeared: condoms were abbreviated to CDs, and if you had sex without a condom you would be dubbed as old school - preferring vinyl to CDs. Terms like "raincoat" also did the rounds, but ijazi lomkhwenyana was the most inventive and revealing. Directly translated, the term referred to the son-in-law's jacket. It suggested that should the married man seek sexual favour outside of his marital bed, he should at least be protected at all times.

Those who had an ear for hip-hop would have heard the late rapper Notorious BIG advocate for safe sex. Biggie rapped on One More Chance: "I have the Rough Riders/In the back of the Pathfinder." In another part of the song he was more direct: "When it comes to sex I'm similar to the thriller in Manila/ Honeys call me Bigga the condom filler." Young virgin male minds rushed to the pharmacy en masse and purchased condoms to duly stash them in their Stussy, Quicksilver and Billabong wallets. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a condom filler?

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But mischievous minds resisted - and many remain today, still frowning upon condoms. Their preference for the natural feeling means that they will resort to any trick in the book to travel down paradise road unaccompanied. One Caroline (not her real name) testified to an occasion where a sexual partner got his way without her realising it.

"I specifically insisted that we use a condom, and I even saw him putting it on," she says.

"But at the end of it, there was nothing on him. It was on the floor. It turns out that when we changed sexual positions he quickly took it off and continued. I have since been extra cautious and I inspect the situation at every turn."

Thin condoms have been doing the rounds for some time now, but it seems Real Feel is pretty close to the real deal. It is easy on the male member, smooth and built for maximising sensation. And when in combat it is best used by seasoned practitioners who prefer the long game - gentlemen and ladies who take pride in the process and its rewards.