Reasons you shouldn't watch '50 Shades Darker', but probably will anyway

[SPOILER ALERT] Is anyone surprised that 'Fifty Shades Darker' got some of the worst reviews in the history filmmaking? No. Will that stop people from seeing it? Absolutely not.

In truth, it was the most anticipated film of the year. Not for fans, but for the critics who were champing at the bit to take a paddle to the production — like Christian Grey to Anastasia Steele’s behind.

Relieved now, intelligentsia?

Here’s the thing. Fans won’t like it either.

The film was made for the same 125 million admirers of “writer” EL James, who are not all blithering idiots, despite relishing in the idiocy of the books.

It was made for people looking for insipid, idle, mind-numbing entertainment.

We knew it was trash, and that is why we like it.

Who can blame us? 

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The Joburg preview was held smack-bang in the middle of the SONA address, at the time fisticuffs in South African parliament were making international headlines.

Sadly, the parliamentary madness was more fiery than the film. 

Fifty Shades Darker, starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, is the second film based on a bestselling BDSM-themed trilogy.

This time, the critics were right.

Watered-down, disjointed moments of passion, delivered flaccidly in a love story that skimmed but didn’t reach the heartstrings as the books might have despite their literary shortcomings. 

Rolling Stone said it was “Fifty Shades Dumber than the first”, also referring to the viewers’ mental capacity after watching it.

Vanity Fair reiterated. Dumb and atrocious dialogue, but added that it is  “the trash masterpiece” everyone needs right now. Americans have Donald Trump to contend with, remember?

Yet, the film was not as light and entertaining as it could have been.

The plot is engaging in print, but simplified by the screenwriting of the author’s husband, Niall Leonard, it tries too hard to cram in steamy scenes (which were not particularly titillating) and dramatic moments, while not carrying the cheesy love story. Which is likely the reason for the books’ worldwide success.

James outed hush-hush bondage into the mainstream, hedged on a simple Cinderella fantasy. An every-girl, represented by Ana, is pursued by Christian, the ultimate man an every-girl would want, on steroids. His muscles, bank account, business, even his psychosis, are all pumped up beyond any fission of reality.

Readers knew that.

WATCH the trailer for 50 Shades darker

The film translation of the second book was devoid of any of this romantic, sexy intensity. Case in point the ridiculous scenes highlighting the size and dexterity of his boat and the lacklustre approach to depicting his elaborate bondage playroom.

New Yorkers reportedly laughed at Dorman’s contrived workout scene at Wednesday’s previews.

Highlighting a yoga pose-meets-handstand on a pommel horse? Kudos to Dorman for athletic ability.

Then there were the irritations. Chewing gum and ungroomed hair.

Grey’s bromance with the purposefully contrary sibling, a light-hearted, relaxed brother, Elliot was depicted by Luke Grimes. In every scene that Grimes manifested, he grinned maniacally while chewing gum, open-mouthed as if he was on ecstasy for the entire filming. 

And the anticipated appearance of Kim Basinger was marred... by her hair. For someone purportedly playing an immaculate, vixen, salon owner Basinger’s locks looked singed, dishevelled.

There was a horrendous green-screened helicopter crash, a news report which announced Grey had been found following said crash at the exact moment that he walks in the door. Johnson’s bleeding lipstick, but decent delivery of the cringe worthy dialogue (I will eat with you, because. I. Am. Hungry) were lauded. Despite his gym scene, nobody seemed to notice Dorman, apart from one magazine  saying there should have been more scenes of his behind.

Yes, a critics' fest that readers will love-hate watching the popular books come to life.

Nevermind all that, the money will come rolling in.

• Fifty Shades Darker opens around the country tonight.

sub_head_start WHAT OTHER REVIEWERS SAID sub_head_end

• “You won’t believe just how dumb the dialogue is in Fifty Shades Darker, and yes, that’s even if you’ve seen the first one,” wrote Vanity Fair reviewer Jordan Hoffman.  “The sequel works because its creators didn’t set out to make camp; they were simply true to the source material, with few airs about making great art.”

• Rolling Stone: “Will Arnett and Rosario Dawson generate more erotic heat in The Lego Batman Movie. And they’re made of plastic. This soft-core swill is hard-core awful.” 

• “For a movie about bondage, the stars seem strangely disconnected,” wrote Stephen Whitty for the Newark Star-Ledger. “In fact, there’s little danger, heat or passion in this film at all. It’s 50 shades of beige.”

• Matt Singer for ScreenCrush wrote. “What little plot there is resolves quickly and easily, but then the film keeps going, until you begin to understand what it feels like to be punished by a self-described sadist like Christian Grey.”  

• Newsday’s Rafer Guzman: From its dominant top to its submissive bottom, it’s utterly ridiculous. Say this for screenwriter Niall Leonard: He brings his wife’s ear-stabbing prose faithfully to the screen. “I don’t know whether to worship at your feet,” Christian says breathily, “or spank you.”

• “Consider this film as a ticket to two hours of blessedly brainless escapism,” wrote Mara Reinstein for US Weekly.