Wishing for a wife

Paige Nick wonders if she’s coming down with something ... because she usually fantasises about having a wife when she’s very busy or sick.

I often wish I was married. Wait, that came out wrong. I've never wished I was married. What I mean is that I often wish I had a wife.

In my day job I work closely with someone else's wife, and I'm blown away by what she pulls off in a regular-sized day. Wives can multitask and have empathy at the same time.

I must be coming down with something, because I usually fantasise about having a wife when I'm particularly busy, or sick. I imagine how smoothly my house would run, and dream about never having to drink tea with white dots floating in it, 'cos the milk's turning.

It was after midnight when my phone rang at a friend's birthday party. It was a policeman. He'd driven past my home and noticed the garage door open.

block_quotes_start I'll never be selfless or wise enough to be one, and I'll never be lesbian enough, or have penis enough, to get one block_quotes_end

He discovered an unlocked side door, let himself in and found my phone number in a diary on my desk.

He told me the house had been ransacked and I needed to let him know what had been taken. My stomach sank when I stepped inside. The bedroom was a disaster.

There were clothes and shoes thrown everywhere, drawers open and overflowing. Just how I'd left it.

It's a low point when you have to look a brave police officer in the eye and tell him that you haven't actually been burgled, you're just a disorganised kind of girl who can't decide what to wear, and tends to leave half drunk cups of tea and reams of papers strewn all over the place.

story_article_left1

And it's not just about getting everything tidied (that would be sexist). If it was I could just propose to SweepSouth; a handy app that conveniently delivers a wonderful human being to your home, to create order and clear a path through the chaos and clutter.

Sure they will iron my underwear, but an app can't make me soup when I'm sick, tell me what's sexist, be my best friend, have my back, or help me find my keys.

So I've had to come to terms with the fact that the whole wife thing is never going to fly for me. I'll never be sorted, selfless or wise enough to be one, and I'll never be lesbian enough, or have penis enough, to get one.

Getting a husband won't do the job either, there's no point having two of us forgetting to buy light bulbs.

My only consolation is that Jacob Zuma has a bunch of wives, and none of them has been able to stop him doing stupid things, yet.

E-mail the author of this article, Paige Nick, at amillionmilesfromnormal@gmail.com or find her on twitter @paigen

Paige Nick's novel, 'Dutch Courage' is published by Penguin Random House (R220)