The art of the rant will get you what you deserve

Did you read the story about a Cape Town businessman who complained to an Ocean Basket restaurant manager about his kids being served angelfish instead of the more expensive hake as advertised?

Did you read the story about a Cape Town businessman who complained to an Ocean Basket restaurant manager about his kids being served angelfish instead of the more expensive hake as advertised?

The report described how a Mr Osman Parker noticed "something fishy" about the supposed hake. To the manager's credit, he apologised and even offered Mr Parker a R500 meal voucher. It would make for an epic story if he took his family to spend the meal voucher - and got served angelfish again.

I've had a similar experience at a different seafood chain. But when I complained, no one offered me a R500 voucher. Maybe they figured out that I would blow the entire R500 fortune on whiskey. And then I got to thinking that the real reason is probably that I hadn't complained vociferously enough.

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Like many South Africans, I was raised to believe that complaining is plain rude; that it just makes you a whiny whinger. There have been literally hundreds of instances in my life when I have received shockingly shoddy service, been sold substandard products and been treated with disdain without as much as a peep from me.

Sometimes it was little things such as ordering a red Grapetiser and being given an Appletiser. I'd shrug and think, "Ag, it's okay. Appletiser never killed anyone."

But sometimes it would be significant things, such as purchasing a fridge and discovering when you plug it in at home that the light doesn't work. And then for the next 10 years, you have to feel around in the dark for things.

To this day, I have a highly developed "fridge Braille". With my eyes closed I can tell you the difference between a jar of marmalade and a jar of mayonnaise.

But that was a long, long time ago. One day I woke up and declared enough is enough. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.

I'm going to do my bit for nation-building of the magnitude of the #FeesMustFall campaign by sharing the secret to effective complaining (drum roll please). The secret is in perfecting the art of the rant.

The first tip is to choose who to rant against. There's no point in wasting a perfectly good rant on an Eskom call-centre operator. Eskom is not in the profit-making business. Quite frankly, if fewer people bought its product, life would be easier.

block_quotes_start Feign insanity by saying things that make no rational sense. Make unreasonable demands: 'I don't want to see any other customer being served until I get what I want!' block_quotes_end

Ditto any government department or parastatal. The effectiveness of any tirade depends upon the stated or unstated threat of voting with your feet. If an unmotivated Joburg City employee doesn't want to sort out your water bill, what are your options?

This goes for any chain store operating in the township. They have different rules there, such as checking everyone's till slips at the door, reserving the right to perform a body cavity search and even taking pictures of anyone caught shoplifting and displaying them at the entrance. Complaining about service there is a joke.

The second trick is to work yourself up. Preparation is everything. Ask Donald Trump, who brought a musket to a nuclear war against Hillary Clinton in Monday's debate. Time your outburst just right. I would suggest just before lunch when your blood sugar levels are at their lowest ebb.

Think about all the major injustices in the world. Think about the Gini Coefficient between Khayelitsha and Stellenbosch. Think about the handball incident involving Suarez the Cannibal which robbed Ghana of a place in the last four during the 2010 Fifa World Cup.

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Think about Mel Gibson's "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!" moment in Braveheart.

Start out with a low tone. Speak slowly and deliberately. Don't raise your voice unless interrupted. And even then, don't yell but hiss at the attendant through clenched teeth.

Feign insanity by saying things that make no rational sense. Make unreasonable demands: "I don't want to see any other customer being served until I get what I want!" I said this at a bank and they actually stopped serving other customers. At some point I had about six tellers serving me simultaneously.

Avoid the use of expletives. That takes away your moral high ground. Another no-no is aiming your invective at someone younger, smaller or in any way perceived to be at a disadvantage to you.

Even if you have a legitimate gripe, you'll come across as a sanctimonious bully. And if you have a Terreblanchesque beard and she's black, just accept defeat and take your rogering like a man.

And finally, don't take someone with you who hates making a scene. Bring someone who will try to escalate the situation even more. I was once in the middle of a delicious rant, and to make a point said, "My wife here is my witness...", and turned around to realise that I was pointing at an empty spot. She was somewhere at the back pretending to not know me. I lost that battle.

E-mail lifestyle@sundaytimes.co.za or follow him on Twitter @NdumisoNgcobo