God’s homophobic cowboy lassos Maimane

It turns out Angus Buchan isn't just God's favourite homophobe. He can also predict the weather.

On Friday, the man who claims homosexuality is a disease told parliament that Cape Town's dams would be full by March. He didn't mention that such a miracle would require about a trillion litres of water to fall from the sky over the next 17 weeks, but then again, no snake-oil salesman ever got poor by sidestepping facts and figures.

Besides, if God could do it to Noah, why not Cape Town, with all those sodomites gallivanting all over the place?

The happy news was delivered to a gathering of politicians, their wives and, somewhat comically, alleged pop star Heinz Winckler, none of whom seemed to notice or object to the astonishing violation taking place.

Even without Buchan, holding a "prayer day" at parliament would have been like organising an Ebola day at a children's hospital. The point of parliaments is to save us from rule by priests. But having the event led by Buchan - a man whose homophobia has seen him banned from preaching in Scotland - tipped the whole thing over into bitter satire.

His followers, of course, would disagree. Because for them it's not about the hate. It's about the hat.

Journalists refer to it as his "trademark", the black Stetson he wears whenever he preaches, but of course the hat is so much more than a trademark. It is a brilliant piece of psychology.

Instead of wrestling with esoteric or abstract notions of God, Buchan has reached straight for the balls of patriarchal masculinity, appealing to the sort of man whose self-worth is linked to his idea of himself as a rough-hewn frontiersman, or, at the very least, a "traditional" man heading a "traditional" household. This is as much about testes as Testaments.

To be such a man is to be an anachronism, attacked or at least threatened by modern liberal madness like gender equality and secularism. And the more this fragile, frightened identity is threatened, adrift in a world gone mad, the more it needs a firm, no-nonsense father figure to provide comfort and counsel.

Which is where God's cowboy rides into town, part John the Baptist, part John Wayne, that black hat striking terror into the hearts of the atheist feminists who have turned the place into a hotbed of sin.

It was inevitable that some of the politicians present would welcome a religious fundamentalist into the heart of our secular government. Mangosuthu Buthelezi, for example, must be a firm believer in miracles given the length of his career.

Likewise, ACDP lead guitarist Kenneth Meshoe was jubilating all over the shop, unable to contain his delight at seeing church and state merge for the afternoon.

"Wherever there are demons, they will run away," he exclaimed, giving us a taste of what it was like to live in the 13th century.

Less funny, however, was the presence of Mmusi Maimane.

Back in April, when Maimane attended Buchan's huge It's Time rally in his official capacity, a few commentators wondered why the leader of the opposition was hanging out with a bigot.

It got especially awkward when, at that event, Buchan said: "I look forward to the day parliament begins every morning with the reading of scripture and prayer, because that is what South Africa needs. This is not a political change. This is a Jesus change, because we need a Christian government."

Hear that, my Muslim, Hindu and Jewish compatriots? No place for you in government. Sorry.

Perhaps Maimane went to the April rally by accident and regretted it afterwards. But Friday's event suggests this is unlikely.

Which leaves me wondering: What must I think about the man who wants to be our next president when he continues to associate with a purveyor of medieval bigotry? How seriously must I take his rhetoric about unity when he deliberately goes to listen to a man who regularly spews divisive self-righteousness?

I understand that South Africa has more earthly concerns right now. The Zuptas must be dragged from office and their ravages slowly undone. But if a future president thinks Angus Buchan is somebody worth listening to, then God help us all.