Fathers anonymous

Donors are the unsung heroes of infertile couples desperate to have children. In South Africa these angels of fertility are not compensated (other than for their costs) and before donating they endure a barrage of tests most likely as foreign to them as the script of Grey's Anatomy.

The reality of donating sperm is far from the popular misperception of paging through an X-rated magazine and coming up with the goods. The process is complicated and strictly legislated.

If the donor passes the necessary physical tests, he is asked to donate at least once a week for a few months. Before each session he is required to abstain from sex and alcohol. His samples may not be acceptable otherwise.

So why would anyone do it?

For Adam Cooper*, a South African living in New Zealand, it was initially the lure of a free trip to Australia offered by a clinic that piqued his interest. Recently divorced and fitting the age and lifestyle requirements, he thought it would be a morally good thing to do.

"In the end, the all-expenses paid holiday fell away but I went ahead anyway. Overall I'm very glad I did. The opportunity to help someone desperate to start a family is awesome. I have since met a recipient (not of one of my donations) and the joy that the donor has given them is inspiring.

"The only downside to donating in New Zealand is the availability of your personal information to the recipient and the donor child.

"Since I joined the (donor) programme I met my current partner, Emily (Roberts), and she was not thrilled when a recipient sent me a letter of thanks through the clinic which included personal information about herself, a photograph and contact details as she wanted to establish contact.

"I do wonder about my offspring from time to time," Cooper admits.

"If one of them wanted to get in touch with me one day I would be open to it and would probably be quite pleased."

Roberts, however, is not so keen, "I am truly not sure how I would handle it if one of his offspring wanted to get in touch with him. Adam could have up to 10 donor children and there is a high possibility at least one of them will try to make contact. I personally wish he weren't a donor, as this is not a 'normal' worry to have.

"But, I do not have a choice and if one of the children does contact us I will just have to cope. A lot will depend on how Adam deals with the contact and if we have children of our own, and for what reason they are contacting us. But no, it is not something I am looking forward to."

While this scenario couldn't happen in South Africa because of the anonymity laws controlling access to donor information, there is always the possibility that a donor child would want to make contact with his/her biological father and that a recipient, trying to choose the right "father" for her unborn children wants more information.

When Chris and Robyn Ellers realised they would have to use a sperm donor to have the children they so desperately wanted, Robyn was faced with having to choose the person herself.

"It was something Chris was completely uncomfortable with. He told me he would go with whomever I chose and was happy with, but it felt to him too much like picking a guy for his wife to 'sleep' with. I think for men it is especially difficult to accept that they can't create a child. They feel like a failure."

Robyn was given the list of possible donors, each of which had a serial number.

"The list gave physical traits such as weight, height, hair colour, eye colour and their occupations so you could get an idea of their intellectual capabilities.

" There was also a list of their interests and a short description of how they saw themselves. I could pick the characteristics closest to my husband's and discard the ones that weren't but I needed more. I needed to humanise it. It was so clinical.

"I remember really wanting to know what star signs they were, just to get an idea of personality. What if this person had a bad temper? I called the bank to try and find out more. But they were very careful about answering these sorts of questions. They explained that the donor was just doing unfortunate couples a favour and weren't really interested in the children. They explained the logic behind the anonymity and the reason for all the contracts and legal implications. "

The Ellers were referred to a psychologist for individual and couple's therapy. Here they discussed telling the children one day and have decided that they would like their twins to know the truth.

"I'm not sure if the children will want to know about their genetic father, or if they'll even be able to find out.

"I'm not really concerned about one of them meeting a half-sibling and falling in love. In South Africa, each donor can only have five offspring and we have been assured that the chance of this happening is very slim. My real concern is that if there is ever a medical emergency and they need that person, for a bone marrow match for instance, will we be able to track him down?

"Look, none of this is how it should happen. There is always that sense of disappointment. But after all the heartache, tears, injections, failed attempts, I'm just so grateful that my special children are healthy. I guess we will cross those bridges when we come to them."

* Names have been changed

WHO'S YOUR DONOR?

Most people take it for granted that they'll have children one day. Yet 10 to 35% of all couples are infertile. Twenty-five to 50% of these suffer male factor infertility. Of the 120 would-be donors at the Medfem Sperm Bank in the past 18 months, only a handful have made the grade. The clinic currently has a choice of 27 donors. Dr Aldo Esterhuizen, who runs the bank, says: "Donors are rare because there is no payment and generally sperm quality is poor. A good donor has altruistic intentions and truly wants to help others." Source Medfem Clinic