Helicopter siblings use social media to watch over sisters and brothers

Mobile tech makes it easy to keep tabs but experts warn too much hovering can turn into digital tattling

Tattling was the last thing 20-year-old Lillian Carone had in mind when she started following her 17-year-old sister, Willow, on Facebook and Instagram. Lillian also follows some of Willow’s friends and finds that by using this larger network, she can keep tabs on her sister’s whereabouts.

In the era of helicopter parenting, meet the helicopter sibling.

The sisters, from Milltown in central New Jersey, USA, attended the same high school, and Lillian says that makes it easy to figure out what her sister is up to. “I’ve seen it all,” she says.

If Willow doesn’t post a photo showing her location, her friends might do so, the older sister finds. These somewhat unintentional updates can actually be the most useful because her sister isn’t filtering them, Lillian says.

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As mobile tech-equipped teens become adults, get jobs and leave their parents’ homes, experts say they are seeing the sibling emerge as a newly empowered breed of family guardian. Digital technology that older parents often haven’t yet mastered enables watchful siblings to keep tabs on their brethren and relay key information, often filtered, back to parents in ways that keep both sides happy.

Helicopter siblings sometimes start young. Stacy Hawkins, a 30-year-old who works in television in Dallas, says the older two of her three children, a 12-year-old girl and 13-year-old boy, take turns acting like the parent when they are together. Nothing is off limits, she says, from why one sibling shouldn’t watch a certain movie on Netflix to how the other should organize his bedroom. When arguments get out of hand, the parents take what they call the “Romeo and Juliet” approach: Both children get punished, even if just one was trying to control.

Madeline Levine, a psychologist in Kentfield, Calif., says siblings who hover may simply be copying behavior modeled by their mothers or fathers. When parents focus relentlessly on academics, extracurriculars and college applications, some children begin to do the same with younger siblings, says Dr. Levine, author of the 2012 book “Teach Your Children Well,” a critique of helicopter parenting based largely on her clinical experience.

Sometimes, helicopter siblings are trying to cope with their own stress. Dr. Levine says if a child feels tightly managed by a parent, he or she may deal with the pressure by trying to control siblings, in a sort of trickle-down system.

A tendency to hover can emerge because of what relationship psychologists call “intimacy imbalance,” when one sibling wants to feel closer and the other wants more autonomy, says Jonathan Caspi, professor at Montclair State University, in New Jersey, and author of the 2011 book “Sibling Aggression.” It’s a strategy that is rarely successful, he says. The sibling looking for more closeness might overextend his or her reach.

Technology makes it easy. Social media and mobile phones mean siblings have the means to engage in what Dr. Caspi says amounts to “digital tattling.”

It is crucial that the sibling in the surveillance role use discretion in passing information along to parents, Lillian Carone says. She says she wants her sister Willow to trust her, keep her in the loop and not block her on social media. But she says she wants to balance the trust with the need to inform her parents if Willow were ever to get into real trouble.

When Lillian sees that Willow and her friends aren’t where she said they would be, the older sibling takes a screenshot of the post and texts it to her sister, sometimes with a chiding message.

Willow, of course, is aware that she is being watched. “Sometimes I get annoyed and just turn my shoulder and ignore it,” she says. “But I don’t think I’ve ever told [Lillian] to just knock it off.” For the most part, the younger sibling says she thinks the hovering is helpful and finds she is more responsible on social media and in real life because of her sister’s advice.

Dr. Levine says there is an important distinction between a sibling who acts as a mentor, and a sibling who seeks pure control. In a controlling relationship, one party withdraws support if the other doesn’t buy in, she says. In a mentorship relationship, the support continues whether the sibling took the advice or not.

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From a parenting perspective, Adele Faber, co-author of “Siblings Without Rivalry,” a widely read 1987 book, says parents of younger children should avoid assigning one child the role of caretaker. Over time, it can lead to antagonisms between siblings who feel either controlled on the one hand, or ignored on the other. And roles such as these eventually need to be shed, as children develop their own sense of responsibility and self-management. If these roles are firmly established in youth, they can be harder to shake, Ms. Faber says.

For adult siblings struggling with helicoptering, Ms. Faber offers a more straightforward approach. At some point, she says, you just have to turn to your sibling and say, “I hear you, but bear with me. Save your ouches for yourself. I’ll deal with my own.”

Chris Phillips, 40 years old, was on a first date recently when a familiar face showed up at the restaurant. It was his brother.

Jeff Phillips, 46, uses an app that tracks his younger brother’s whereabouts in the Kansas City, Mo., area where they live. Jeff can see when Chris passes by his house, gets to work or goes out on the town. Chris also uses the app, called Life360.

When Jeff arrived at his brother’s date spot, both brothers acted as if the run-in was a chance encounter. But they both knew. “I actually loved it,” Chris says. “It made the date way less formal. And you always want your family to weigh in on a romantic interest, don’t you?”

This article was originally published on 23-06-2015 on The Wall Street Journal

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