Celebrity infidelities make us think faithfulness is impossible

The thing about learning of infidelity within a high-profile relationship is that it appears to, ridiculously, legitimise other people's unfaithfulness - or at least their reasons for it.

The most fascinating aspect about the new Jay-Z album, 4:44, wasn't that it was a rare and confessional window into one of the most private relationships in entertainment, but the sudden idea that fidelity was now unattainable because "The Carters" had struggled with adultery.

On the title track, a public apology (I assume they have mended things already) to his wife and mother of their three children, Beyoncé, Jay-Z says: "I've seen the innocence leave your eyes, I still mourn this death," and admits that: "I fall short of what I say I'm all about."

Cue the oohs and aahs: some felt vindicated for supporting Beyoncé after she released her fierce yet tender and personal album, Lemonade, in which she appeared to make references to Jay-Z's straying, among other issues within their 15-year relationship.

Another reason why #MenAreTrash? Others took a slightly more despondent view.

"If Beyoncé is not safe from being cheated on, none of us are," read several tweets. I'm not sure which side of the argument this type of thinking benefits (I'd say neither). What adulthood teaches us is that anybody is capable of betrayal and that nobody is immune from being betrayed.

We also learn with age that monogamy has long been a code of conduct that many have failed to adhere to. One might argue that "adhere" is the exact language that complicates our relationships: we admire them, we crave them, and then we make them feel like they're a hindrance.

So, while Jay-Z's "I suck at love, I think I need a do-over" line is one of the worst cop-outs you'll ever hear from a 47-year-old man who asked a woman to give up dating other men to marry him, it's just another confirmation that love has nothing to do with monogamy.

Until just under a decade ago, I was naive enough to believe that passion between two lovers couldn't fade - that couples swam in ceaseless showers of dopamine, and that once people made promises to each other, nothing could break their bond.

Then I fell in love (whatever that means), and suddenly I wanted to make someone responsible for my happiness, and I felt accountable whenever they were morose.

The turning point came when I realised that - despite being told that "nobody has ever made me feel as good as you do", and "this is by far the most loving relationship I have ever been in" - I had still been cheated on. I found out. I tried to put it out of mind and begin again with the same person because, to use the same words, nobody had ever made me feel that good - even now.

Countless celebrities (since Hollywood break-ups cut us up as if they're ours) have fallen for the ride-or-die mentality: Pink and Carey Hart, Rihanna and Chris Brown, David and Victoria Beckham, David Letterman and Regina Lasko, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Fikile and Nozuko Mbalula, Zwelinzima and Noluthando Vavi, Norma and Malusi Gigaba, Joost van der Westhuizen and Amor Vittone, etc.

We all want romance and everlasting desire in our relationships, but there is overwhelming evidence to suggest that we just don't know how to achieve that - and perhaps it's time to accept that maybe there is no standard, and that there shouldn't be one. Anybody who's ever been in a romantic relationship knows they know nothing about what definitely works.

The idea that only men cheat is ridiculous. The idea that men don't hurt from being cheated on is just as absurd. We're all either committers or the wounded, and sometimes we've been both.

Somehow, we still try again. And it is not our decision or even our business to prescribe to others whether they should or should not stay in their relationships after infidelity. Alas, our culture is such that we will do so anyway.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel once said during a Ted talk, titled "Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved", that "I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other - what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: 'Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?'"

Perhaps Beyoncé and Jay-Z are in their second marriage - may the force be with them.