KWANELE NDLOVU | If the proverbial hit the fan in SA, who could we turn to?

Ordinarily I would leave the subject of war to experts and analysts, while following developments on the news and learning about international relations, geopolitics and humanitarian crises.

Having conducted emergency research into developments in Eastern Europe, I have formulated strong opinions on Nato politics and Ukraine’s gullibility. However, this isn’t about that, it’s about Ukraine’s “general mobilisation of the population”.

My understanding of it is that the government there is asking all adults to take up arms and defend their country.

I couldn’t help wondering what a general mobilisation of the population would look like in SA if we were attacked by a superpower while Denel is bankrupt and we are watching videos of SANDF members twerking on TikTok.

You’d think the Patriotic Alliance would be first to volunteer its members, what with its name perfectly embodying the notion. But it’s not that simple. Party leader Gayton McKenzie would tell you that half of the weapons in this country are in the hands of illegal immigrants, which is why our people are unable to fight.

What you can be sure of is that none of the big-bellied revolutionaries who call themselves “Amasosha kaThambo” would enrol for armed conflict. All the Dubula, Dubula songs they sing have nothing to do with actually firing an AK47, you see; just ask EFF leader Julius Malema. Sure, some inherited Umkhonto we Sizwe Military Veterans Association (MKMVA) status from their fathers, but all they are willing to fight for is payment.

I guess the country could look to the mighty amaZulu, hoping their amaButho would chant to the spirit of uShaka for courage and fortune, and march barefoot to our borders to defend us. But chances are someone from the Royal House would interdict HRH Misuzulu from doing so.

So would we be side-eying Amabhinca then? Those who buy trousers two sizes too big so their 9mm holsters fit comfortably. The problem is, they have PTSD from hostel violence in the 1990s and just want to concentrate on music and fashion. And I cannot see them agreeing to exchange their check shirts, sharply creased Brentwoods and Carvela moccasins for camouflage and steel-nose boots.

The other cohorts of warlords are the taxi associations. We could always beg them to enlist their hitmen in exchange for a route certificate for all seven of their unroadworthy wagons.

Or maybe the Boers. No? AfriForum has been preparing our Afrikaners for such a moment for years. And if you followed the July 2021 unrest, you’ll know they have the fire power.

The Slay Queens? OK, weaves are highly flammable, but despite that and their ability to disarm and financially exhaust any living man, we are not going to risk putting them on the front line.

Maybe we could unleash Cape Town’s The Americans gang.  It has the fire power and a reputation for war, but I am not sure about its position on Nato politics, considering the outfit’s entire identity derives from hit US music.

Or we could send Ama 2000. At least we’d be guaranteed brutally honest reviews of the war, from “Nah, this aint my vibe dawgz, I’m out” to “Dude shooting Nuclear at us just swiped right. Guess I’s changing allegiance now! Love wins.” 

Don’t be fooled by President Cyril Ramaphosa’s “Thuma Mina” slogan. He is not the man to send to war. Presidents don’t even fight their own wars. The best he would do is hold regular “family meetings” to update us on how many innocent South African lives have been lost on the battlefield and urge more volunteers to give up their lives for a cause they hardly comprehend.

If one thing’s for sure, it’s that the feminists would crucify him if he dared issue a decree that all men aged 18 to 60 were banned from leaving the country. What about women? And why not them? There would be an intra-national war on the politics of pronouns, gender, exclusion, discrimination and the nauseating suggestion that men are better than women at handling weapons and fighting wars.

As for me? If such a drama ever unfolded in our country I would be tucked away safely at my grandmother’s cozy house in deep-rural KZN, sending editors critiques on the department of international relations and cooperation (Dirco) and “unpublishable” opinions on politics in SA. Why? Because I am not the girl to carry a rifle and swear to die for my country.

To be honest, the only people who could defend us against such atrocities are those on Black Twitter. Yes, unknown, unseen forces who owe airtime advances to buy data. They, collectively, have the power to #CancelTheWar!