Contrary to belief, BDSM sex is the most democratic sex

There's a scene in Netflix's funny sitcom Workin' Moms, in which a male at an all-female post-natal parenting class comically tries to ask advice about consent in the bedroom. Part of what makes the scene funny is that it pokes fun at the idea of affirmative consent and how men in particular seem to be flummoxed by the concept.

If you can get some willing male to open up about their boudoir politics, you'll probably find that some men are annoyed by the growing trend of securing active consent to play naughty or nice, where before they could simply rely on the lack of a "no" for permission to proceed.

Let them talk long enough and you'll hear how new developments like affirmative consent kill the mood and turn sex into a road littered with traffic lights where you must constantly stop at red robots, impatiently waiting for the light to turn green.

The argument is that official consent (sometimes even in writing) takes all the fun out of sex. But the question is begged: if that's the case, why do people from the BDSM community always seem to be having such a good time?

Regardless of your feelings on the practice, it turns out that members of the kink community are, by necessity, consent gurus and can teach us a lot about how affirmative consent can be sexy and liberating.

A 2016 study in the Journal Of Sex Research found that "while some critics of BDSM associate it with sexual aggression and violence against women, the subculture has longstanding norms of affirmative consent".

The researchers also said that participants in the BDSM lifestyle, "reported lower levels of benevolent sexism, rape myth acceptance and victim blaming".

It seems that, contrary to popular belief, tying someone up in leather straps and suspending them from the chandelier involves more than just a safe word. It's often said in kink circles that the Sub (submissive) is actually the one with real power in play situations because without their active and continuing consent the Dom (dominant) can't get their rocks off.

Perhaps the reason that the unfairer sex finds affirmative consent and the Laws of Thermodynamics equally complicated is because we enjoy (one suspects on purpose) getting hung up on the idea of phrasing. Also, a lot of men would probably argue that to have to stop what they're doing and ask, "can I please?" with each action couldn't possibly be fun.

That argument is reductive on two levels: First, plenty of straight men will explain that all bets are off if their partner makes unauthorised contact with their leather cheerio.

Second, affirmative consent is not just restricted to verbals. A CNN article about the issue of consent in universities reported that a speaker at an American university said: "Instead of waiting for your partner to say no, you should seek an explicit yes. It could come in the form of a smile, a nod or a verbal yes, as long as the sign is unambiguous, enthusiastic and ongoing."

The ongoing part of this is important. Should you no longer feel up for it, there's nothing wrong with pulling the eject cord and withdrawing consent, at which point, its time to get dressed and break out the scrabble.

Kinksters have known this for a while. Safe words, for example, are not a one size fits all thing. They're primarily used in the type of play where the normal lines of verbal communication are blurry, i.e. rape fantasy play. In fact, as with asphyxiation play, there are some realms in the BDSM universe where consent is achieved through body language.

In situations where the lines of communication are more traditional, something as simple body language can indicate either affirmative consent or the withdrawal of it. If your partner grimaces, stop and ask if you've stepped on their toes. You'll become a better dancer for it.

Obviously not everyone who practices BDSM is a paragon of consensual play, but that's not the point. BDSM culture, as a general rule, values affirmative consent and has gotten so good at securing it that it can be given while wearing a gimp mask and barking like a dog (if that's what you like).

So if the modern consent landscape is proving to be difficult for you to navigate, go onto the internet, get in touch with someone from the kink community and see if you can't enrol in a crash course on the art of affirmative consent.