OPINION | SA! We need to have a serious talk about CONSENT

This week has been one of the crappiest weeks I've had as a woman in SA and it's all because once more, the sad reality of SA's lack of understanding where consent is concerned is just heartbreaking.

This past week, a male model decided that it was OK to grope a young woman who was only trying to wait on him in the restaurant. While a female musician was bashed mercilessly on social media after reports emerged that she had opened a case of rape against her ex-boyfriend.

Conversations in real life and online over these two “incidents” have left me deeply shocked by the blatant disregard for women, their bodies and their feelings. The one thing I know for sure needs to happen is serious conversations around consent and what it really means.

Consent is defined by the English Oxford dictionary as “permission to do something, especially given by someone in authority” or “agreement about something”.

That, however, doesn't seem to be the definition most people have of the word.

I heard shocking remarks from men and women who felt that the woman should have said no before meeting the person at a hotel. Or she should have said no before taking off her clothes or before she decided to accept his free drinks at the club.

However, I believe it doesn't matter when the woman said no. The point is SHE SAID NO.

See, I don't care if he was her boyfriend or if he was a one-night stand or if they were under whatever influence or whatever situation it may have been. When a woman says no, for me, that is enough to qualify anything that happens after that moment as “a forceful action”.

I was hit with a “But you know girls always say no when they mean yes mos.” To which I would like to put it to you that, particularly in a case where the alleged rapist was intimate with the victim for a while, they know the difference in the tone the woman would use when she's “playfully” saying no and when she is seriously saying no.

I was also hit with, “What if the girl is just bitter?” and “Why did she wait so long to say something?” To this I say, until you are a victim or are well-versed in psychology or a related field of study, you would seldom understand why it takes a victim the time it takes them to say anything about the abuse they've endured.

Also ... while I won't deny that other women wrongfully accuse men of rape, I will say that most times it's a case of “where there's smoke there's fire”. That then means the law needs to do it's best to ascertain the truth.

The discussion around how the law and later judicial processes treat victims versus perpetrators is a discussion I'll shelve for another day.

I once listened to a very insightful interview in which Trevor Noah spoke about the importance of truly understanding what consent is on the Breakfast Club.

“Consent is something that has been robbed of many individuals in their lives,” Trevor said before explaining why when a person says no, that should be enough to let you know that they don't consent.

“Life, our minds and the world are extremely complicated but I don't think that should take away from the fact that someone says 'hey, I said no'. And, I don't care if you are a boyfriend or a husband, if a person says 'I said no' and he didn't listen, then it's wrong,” Trevor said.

PLEASE listen to his take from minute 41:50 below.

I don't know if there's still hope for adults to begin to grasp what consent truly is but for the sake of the coming generation, I hope the conversation is had and perhaps even codified.

SA needs it.