Christmas is not all jolly as some struggle with grief and loss

After losing her mother to cancer at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020, life hasn’t been the same for Thandiwe Bunu.

“It was two days before Christmas. We had planned a get-together as siblings to spend time with her. We planned to bring all our children. She had been diagnosed with cancer less than three months before Christmas. But it was not be,” she said.

“As I was preparing to leave home for the Eastern Cape I received a call that my mother died that morning.

“It was the most chilling call that left me with no strength at all. But I couldn’t tell my children. I had to gather myself and hit the road. When we got home there were already some relatives who had come to comfort us, but I couldn’t be comforted. The loneliness I felt that day is indescribable,” said the Johannesburg mother of two whose family home is in Mount Frere.

Bunu said since then Christmas hasn’t been the same. It became a time of grief instead of celebration.

“Sadly I now associate Christmas with my mother’s death and I find it hard to celebrate anything on that day.”

According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag), which receives up to 3,000 calls daily from people experiencing mental health challenges, the festive season is a time of celebration for many with Christmas decorations and gifts. But for others, like Bunu, it can be filled with loneliness, grief, depression and a reminder of loved ones who passed away.

Most calls Sadag receives, including on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day, relate to loneliness, grief, loss, stress, depression and trauma. Stressors at this time include soured relationships, lost jobs and financial insecurity.

PsychMatters Centre founder and clinical psychologist Joanna Kleovoulou said the centre had noted an increase in mental illness, which included the elderly left alone due to factors such as emigration and divorces.

“Post-Covid our practice has seen an increase in families falling apart, higher incidences of divorce and unhealthy, destructive coping styles such as substance use, self-harm, over-spending and burnout.”

The troubled economy coupled with recurring, unpredictable and prolonged electricity blackouts had also affected the psyche of many people.

Clinical psychologist Liane Lurie said many who experienced depression, anxiety and stress during the holidays are told to “ get over it”.

“But having the holiday blues is more than just a down day and isn’t something you can will yourself out of.”

Family, friends and loved ones did not always understand what those going through these negative feelings experience.

"It's important to realise grief isn't something that leaves us after we've gone through the five stages of mourning. Grief is something we learn to carry with us and the lenses through which we view the event or loss of a person change at different points of our lives.”

If not worked through and processed, Lurie warned grief could manifest in different ways and may cause difficulties in future relationships.

“It's not about getting over your grief or putting on a mask and pretending you’re OK for the benefit of others over the festive season. Grief needs to be felt.”

Kleovoulou said not only grief over the loss of a loved one or job caused Christmas blues. The pressure of last-minute shopping and heightened expectations of family togetherness “can all undermine our best intentions” and result in depression.

“Christmas can also be a time where many reflect on the past and highlight their unmet goals, unfulfilled dreams, comparing ourselves with the Joneses, and ruminating about what went wrong and why. Many become anxious because of the pressure to spend a lot of money on gifts, incurring further debt.”

Jared Elliott, national marketing manager at Choose Life, a Durban-based private addiction treatment centre, said this time of the year can be more difficult for people living with addiction.

He said during the festive season, pressure is ramped up and dysfunctional relationships can be amplified.

“For those dealing with addiction, substance-related and co-occurring conditions, the plentiful supply of alcohol and related substances is challenging. For those with eating disorders, pressure to consume large amounts of food can be daunting.  It’s also holiday and party time, putting those with behavioural addictions such as gambling increasingly in harm’s way.

“Even those who have conquered an addiction can find the festive season particularly challenging,” said Elliott.

Kleovoulou provided these tips to deal with the holiday blues:

• If symptoms of anxiety and depression are heightened, seek help from professionals.
• Set personal boundaries on Christmas gift and social spending.
• Lower your expectations and any attachment to what Christmas should look like.
• Focus on what you have in your life and be grateful for that.
• Make a schedule and take action. Do interesting and fun things.
• If you are religious, partake in church activities that focus on the bigger meaning of Christmas.
• Focus your thoughts on all the good things about Christmas such as kindness, generosity and gratitude.
• Buy yourself a gift when buying gifts for your loved ones.
• Go for some pamper time, such as a massage, time alone reading a book or lazing around.
• Plan your time and things you want to include in your and your family’s time off before it becomes too filled with things others want to do. It is OK to say no.
• Get involved helping others to feel good and included.

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