Murdoch's broken news: Act II

Last time on Who's Hacking Who we met the characters involved in the sordid News of the World affair: the dirty, the dirtier and the dirtiest. And the massacred. Now for Act II of the drama that's playing out on a channel near you.

Who's Hacking Who: Inside the News of the World Inquisition

A Fox Production

ACT II

SCENE I: Lower House of Commons

THE COMMITTEE SITS AT A ROUND TABLE

ENTER RUPERT 'MASTERMIND' MURDOCH and JAMES 'PRINCE' MURDOCH

COMMITTEE MEMBER: We have summoned you here, Mr Murdoch and you too, also Mr Murdoch, before us to answer for your sins.

MASTERMIND: What's that? Being filthy rich? 

COMMITTEE MEMBER: That too.  But, no, no, we're here because your newspaper, News of the World, has hacked into the communications of many people - from that dreadful Sarah Ferguson to the poor young girl Milly Dowler.

PRINCE: So like, let me just start off by, like, saying that we are extremely sad and uh, extremely, like, uh, sorry, for like, the bad things that have happened. We didn't know about it. It was all, like... we're all completely innocent!

COMMITTEE MEMBER: So you didn't intercept any communications?

PRINCE: Um, WE didn't! [Puts up both hands] No, no, WE didn't, but our people did. Like, who knew they could think for themselves? I mean, look, I like... I like... I just... I sit in my corner office with the great view and I play on my iPad 2 all day, okay? Although I think the Kindle is still the best for, like, reading books. Like, I've been reading Noddy for two months now. I can't get enough. I, just, can't.

COMMITTEE MEMBER: Yes, yes. Back to Milly Dowler. How could you approve the deletion of voicemails on her phone? Your newspaper gave her family false hope that she was still alive.

PRINCE: Yeah so I've heard. I mean, I like, I didn't know. We didn't know. We were... betrayed.

COMMITTEE MEMBER: Betrayed?

PRINCE: Yeah. Misled. By our people. You know, like, it's really hard to get good employees these days. Like, my gosh, you just wouldn't believe it. Like, this morning, I asked my maid to pick out my grey Tom Ford suit, but instead she brings out my grey Prada. Prada! I said Tom Ford! Like, can't she tell the difference?

COMMITTEE MEMBER: My that's appalling. Absolutely appalling. I understand. Mr Murdoch...

PRINCE: Yeah?

COMMITTEE MEMBER: Not you. Your father. Mr Murdoch... were you aware of the illegal and unethical "investigative" tactics employed by your staff?

MASTERMIND: [pregnant pause] No. [Pregnant pause] But I read it in the paper the other day.

COMMITTEE MEMBER: Oh? Which paper was that?

MASTERMIND: [Pregnant pause] The Guardian... Daily Mail... [Pregnant pause] I couldn't be bothered to remember the name.

COMMITTEE MEMBER: Alright. But how could you not have known? How could that happen without you knowing?

MASTERMIND: [Pregnant pause] I don't know.

COMMITTEE MEMBER: How did this happen?

MASTERMIND: [Pregnant pause] It must have been the people we trusted. And the people they trusted. [Pregnant pause] This is the most humble day of my life. I'm very humbled. Reminds me of when I was a boy, in 1893, when -

ENTER SIR MARBLES, THE MAN WITH THE FOAM PIE

He charges at the Mastermind, with every intention of making him eat humble pie

SIR MARBLES: Take that, you -

ENTER THE DRAGON. I MEAN, TIGER WIFE

TIGER WIFE: Don't touch my sponsor! Er, husband!

Tiger Wife whacks Sir Marbles in the face with the foam pie. The committee is shocked. She sits down and flips her hair over her shoulder.

PRINCE: [To Sir Marbles, who is being led away by police] Yeah, that's right! Walk away! Walk away!

MASTERMIND: What just happened?

COMMITTEE MEMBER: Mr Murdoch, your wife has a powerful left hook. Now get out of here, you old fella. Go on, then. Go play some golf or something, yes?

And with that, The Mastermind and The Prince made their swift exit from the House of Commons. Will fortune remain on their side? Or will it be off with their heads?  Only time will tell in the greatest drama since the time that guy died and then came back from the dead and then died again in... every soap opera known to man.

**DISCLAIMER: For parody purposes only