Bring on the war, I'm waiting

What's with all the peach blossoms and turtle doves, kissy-kissy and hugs all round?

I was appalled to see President Barack Obama reared up on his soapbox telling all and sundry that he wants to rid the world of nuclear weapons. How dare he!

The only reason I still stick around is because I don't want to miss all the excitement of World War 3. Let's face it, the first two wars were rather tedious and tended to drag on a bit. Next time, I want to see the horizon dotted with mushroom clouds. I want to see men in titanium body armour firing portable atomic weapons from the hip. I want to see people being vaporised, damit! It's what America and Russia promised us a generation ago and we're still waiting. Suddenly it's peach blossoms and turtle doves, kissy-kissy and hugs all round.

Obama says the risk of a nuclear attack has gone up in the wake of reports that groups like al-Qaeda are trying to get their hands on nuclear material. Oh, please. Their leader lives in a cave. He can't even get Al Jazeera.

Some time ago I wrote a piece of advice in my bestselling Art of Survival on how to survive a nuclear attack. This was shortly after Namibian president Sam Nujoma said: "We have uranium in Namibia and we train our own scientists and engineers. If they (white people, gays, the British) create nonsense, we can make our own atomic bombs." The fact that Nujoma is a delusional demagogue with a Std 2 education makes him all the more dangerous.

So while Obama is passing around the collection plate in the hope of nuke-happy countries coughing up any spare plutonium, there is a good chance he will forget about Windhoek. After all, it's far more of a beer than it is a capital city. Perhaps it's best you take my advice.

For starters, you will know when the bomb has dropped. Do not worry that you might mistake it for a car backfiring in the street. It will be louder than that. Once you have heard the blast, resist the urge to rush outside and see what happened. You need to wait for the radiation to blow away. Refrain from sexual activity. This is not a good time for a woman to conceive. Unless, of course, you can afford to have another three mouths to feed. And you don't mind that they're all on the same baby.

If the bomb drops before you can reach an underground shelter, quickly put on a floppy hat and a pair of decent sunglasses. The flash is very bright and could damage your eyesight. The flash is also very hot and can leave you with a nasty burn if you're not careful. If this happens, smear a little butter on it right away.

The detonation of a 300-kiloton nuclear device releases 300 trillion calories within a millionth of a second. If you are in the habit of watching calories, you will need to have your wits about you. Get behind a wall or down on the floor and make yourself as small as possible. You really can't afford to pile on more calories.

The energy of the blast will also create a giant fireball. This wouldn't be so bad if the bomb had to drop on Cape Town in winter, but if you live in Durban and it was mid-summer, the additional heat would be unbearable and even fewer people would go to work.

Waves of thermal energy will ignite fires across the city. If you are having trouble lighting a braai, you will welcome the extra help. Very hot high-speed gales will also spring up, so postpone kite surfing or paragliding if a nuclear attack is expected. If you have any old furniture you've been meaning to strip down, leave it in the garden. The blast wave will remove the paint nicely.

Once the blast wave has passed, have a shower to wash off any lingering radiation and put the kettle on for a nice cup of tea. But be quick because the rising fireball will create a suction effect and a lot of stuff will start heading back towards ground zero.

If you see cars, trees, animals and so on flying past your window, hold on to something until the winds die down.

There will be a lot of dust and other stuff in the air, so if you suffer from hay fever you may want to take an antihistamine. The streets will be quite warm from all that hot air passing over them and it's best to put on a sturdy pair of shoes before venturing out.

Things may look a little different and it's important that you remain positive. At least the unspeakable neighbours and their pestiferous Jack Russels are no longer around.

Take the opportunity to relax and enjoy the quiet. Relief efforts will soon be under way. Unless, of course, the Iranians won. Or, for that matter, Israel.