Swear off those darn curse words

Judith Ancer: It's time to own up, confess and take responsibility. Which parent among us has never sworn, cursed or muttered profanities? And how many of us have done so in front of our children? Hands up which of you thought it was funny or cute when your toddler used a swear word for the first time (typically without knowing what it meant), actually laughed or actively encouraged them to say it again. It's incongruously adorable to hear your cherub cursing like a sailor.

In the Sunday Times Lifestyle magazine last week, in "Wash your mouth out", Sarah Britten wrote how it was becoming more commonplace for certain swear words to be uttered.

This growing tolerance of public vulgarity may be one of the ways in which the barrier between private and public behaviour is being increasingly blurred in our society. There are more offensive words on more offensive television programmes, movies, tweets and popular songs than ever.

All of this made me wonder how our children are affected.

Timothy Jay, a US psychologist and the author of Cursing in America, has noted that more women swear in public than before, and growing numbers of young children use offensive language and at younger ages.

Jay also argues that swearing is a natural part of speech development. We learn which words are taboo and which are not. We learn that not all swear words are equal, some representing more anger than others. We then learn that we may be able to say a swear word in one social context, but not in another.

My nine-year-old son says he thinks it's "a tiny bit okay to swear if you've been hurt, because you don't really mean to do it, it just comes out". In saying that he effectively summarises research conducted by psychologist Dr Richard Stephens of Keele University in England.

The 2009 study measured how long volunteers could keep their hands immersed in cold water. During this icy exercise, they could repeat an expletive of their choice or chant a neutral word. When swearing, the volunteers reported less pain and on average endured about 40 seconds longer.

However, follow-up research in 2011 makes the point that the more frequently we swear in everyday life, the less effective curse words become in dulling pain.

"While I wouldn't advocate the prescription of swearing as part of a medicalised pain management strategy," says Stephens, "... research suggests that we should be tolerant of people who swear while experiencing acute pain."

Despite the stress and frustration of raising four quarrelsome children, my mother never, ever, swore. Well, that's not quite true. She did once curse. She once said, quite loudly as I remember, "You bloody children." But in her defence she was responding to the extreme provocation of her four miscreant children at their most impossible. She would tell us that swearing was for people with limited vocabulary, not able to express themselves in a more intelligent way.

My mother is not alone in fearing for the dumbing down and degradation of our language, although Shakespeare might have something to say about that notion, as he was intelligently inventive in scripting insults.

In some ways, though, conversation norms have actually become less permissive. For example, racist, sexist or homophobic slurs are generally less tolerated today than in the past.

So swearing is all around us - it's cathartic, a means of managing anger and frustration without resorting to physical violence, and a way of expressing any strong emotion (including joy, pleasure, surprise and fear).

Children start absorbing language very young, before they can even speak. So the swearing you do around infants does make an impact.

Most children learn to curse at home, from adults, older siblings, TV and movies.

Preschoolers share this knowledge on the playground as a means to show off. Children swear for many of the same reasons adults do, but also to get attention, be provocative and express defiance. This continues well into adolescence.

As far as possible, try to downplay it and give the swearing very little attention. If your child learns that cursing upsets you and gets a big reaction, you can be sure it will become a valuable tool in their "how to express anger at mom and dad" kit.

With younger children, calmly explain to them the meaning of the word and why it's offensive to say.

Clarify the rules of language in your home and monitor your own swearing (try not be more of a hypocrite than absolutely necessary). Focus less on censoring "bad words" and more on "offensive beliefs".

Suggest alternative, less vulgar words or sayings that help to express strong emotions. And try to stay away from washing kids' mouths out with soap or Tabasco sauce. If you read Sarah Britten's article you'll see it doesn't really work in the long term.

What can help is a fine system in which all offenders, parents included, have to put money in a jar every time they swear.

As the jar rapidly fills up you will realise how automatic swearing has become and how much conscious effort is required to stop it. On the plus side, you will at least have cash for the school cake sale while the family are learning their expensive lesson.

• Ancer is a Johannesburg-based psychologist