In a bit of a jam

Having embroidered an afternoon fantasy starring smoked salmon and cucumber sandwiches, petit fours, biscuits, pecan tart and cream-laden freshly baked scones topped with strawberry jam, the Bandit sets about making it a reality.

But a series of increasingly frustrating calls to Johannesburg's usual suspects in this particular high-end line of culinary work yields no more than interminable waiting on the line to the accompaniment of poorly recorded popular classics. And a series of stuck-up: "Oh, no sir, one has to pre-book, didn't you know?" Maitre d's who would not, even for a fleeting moment, deign to consider rousing themselves to micturation were the Bandit on fire. Unless, of course, the flames were licking at the edges of the standard-issue hideous hotel carpet.

Clearly, "one" did not know. And what on Earth does "prebook" mean? It beggars belief that demand is of such magnitude as to necessitate the making of a booking. Preposterous, bah and even humbug.

And so the provision of "a spot of high tea, what?" falls to the Bandit.

For starters, scotch the idea of smoked salmon sandwiches. Wither the notion of cucumber sarmies too. There is neither salmon nor cucumber and, well, the family pantry is fresh out of bread.

Real men don't make petit fours, there's not enough butter for biscuits and not a single pecan can be spotted doing the can-can in anticipation of being baked in a pie. No blackbirds either.

There is, however: self-raising flour, 500g; a pinch of salt; fresh cream, 250ml; a 340ml can of Sprite; and a bottle of fine strawberry jam made by princess Demanding, 12, for a school project.

Perfect for a batch of the "scones" that appear, courtesy of "temporary" Weltevreden Park residents Lucille and Adam Tennyson, in the fascinating book African Salad: A Portrait of South Africans at Home, by Stan Engelbrecht and Tamsin de Beer. It couldn't be simpler: "Mix everything (except the strawberry jam, of course) together in one bowl.

"Then bake in muffin tray for 15 to 20 minutes on 180C."

Serve warm with a blob of whipped cream and a splodge of strawberry jam . Oh, and a piping hot pot of tea.

And despite their not being scones as "one" knows them, the next time "one" finds the magic four basic ingredients to hand, there will be no bothering with "pre-booking", sir.