A tale of two expectations: iLIVE

If I were a writer of psychological fiction, I could imagine two stories that could make for fascinating reading.

Imagine a young man growing up in a wealthy family deeply engaged in business and profits.

They have a son who, from the beginning they see as a scion, who will grow up to take over the family business in the fullness of time and carry the dynasty into the next generation.

However, the boy is of a sensitive nature and has no interest in business. Perhaps he dreams of a future as an artist, a poet or some profession far removed from the world of stocks and shares.

But he fears that to allow the paterfamilias to so much as suspect his true nature could make him the black sheep of the family, an unfortunate failure. So he keeps up appearances as best he can.

He may even grow up to be gay which in his tradition-bound family could have dire consequences for him. When he reaches adulthood there are negotiations without his active participation with another wealthy family about an arranged dynastic marriage to their daughter, which could lead to the two businesses eventually growing into a powerful corporation, lead by two attractive people.

Negotiations are concluded to both families' satisfaction, and only then is  the young man fully informed of who he will be marrying, an arranged marriage as tradition dictates, and also a profitable dynastic marriage.

The young man has spent his entire life trying to gain the love and respect of his parents by hiding his real self from them, and the young woman is happy with the arrangement because she has grown up aware of her responsibilities as a dutiful daughter.

The young man feels trapped. He has never felt that he could speak openly about his true self and his own dreams and desires. He does not complain but does his best to go along with what has been arranged "in his best interests".

He cannot speak openly to his family and the idea of the truth of his true self being brought into the open terrifies him. What would the psychological consequences be of a lifetime of hiding inside himself and fearing rejection when he finds himself trapped in a situation he cannot escape from be?

Now imagine another young man who grows up in a family, dominated by men who set great store by "manliness" and success in manly activities such as sport. Part of their family culture is that the possession and professional use of fire-arms is the litmus test of masculinity and success.

But this poor boy has some deformity that threatens to make him the disappointment of the family. But his caring parents spend a great deal of money to prevent this and in the end he becomes very successful at what could so easily have been an unattainable dream.

But the deformity in a family of self-confident, "whole" men has left a permanent scar on his ego, and he fights against this to the point of becoming obsessed with proving his "manliness" in every situation -- and as so often happens in such situations -- becomes narcissistic and unable to deal with even the slightest criticism.

He also inherits the obsession with fire-arms. He shows all the warning signs and symptoms of what is now recognised as a potentially dangerous personality disorder -- intermittent explosive (or rage) disorder. In fact the type of personality that should stay as far away from fire-arms as possible.

How could such an entirely fictitious situation end?

Both these hypothetical situations would demonstrate the same thing: the potentially dire consequences of parents who impose expectations on children, rather than taking the time and developing the empathy to find out what their children's own interests and dreams might be.

It might also highlight the evil of the insane gun-culture we have inherited from the Americans, and the abuse of human rights associated with "arranged" marriages.

We do not have to hug our children every day -- or give them half-an-hour of "quality time" every week, or take advice from daytime TV "psychologists".

We only need to respect them as individuals in their own right and not as extensions of our own egos. I was lucky to have two such parents. They weren't huggers and kisser sat all, but they respected us as much as we respected them.