Rich pals' dilemma

Many of our friends are very wealthy. I don't deny them the pleasure of their wealth, but I get upset when, without consideration, they invite us to expensive dinners and on holidays, and when we are asked to share the cost of expensive group gifts. How do I handle this insensitivity without losing friendships, or winning the lottery?

SHRINK RAP

The issue here is not wealth but rather the relationship that people have to their wealth.

For some people wealth is just something that you possess. As a mere possession, money remains neutral and external. People in this category tend to be humble about money and understand that they are blessed.

People who have made their money through hard work are usually more attuned to how illusive wealth is and to how many external forces happened to be working in their favour when they made their fortune. A humility is born from the understanding that money, being extrinsic, can be gained and easily lost.

This understanding makes them not only sensitive and respectful of those who do not have money, they also do not judge people by their wealth. Rather, they judge them by the quality of their attributes, talents and accomplishments.

For other people, wealth defines who and what you are and therefore how much you are worth as a person. For them, money is an identity and therefore something by which people should be judged. When you perceive money as an identity, then you believe that having it or not having it is a function of a person's attributes and powers. People who define personal value by money are often psychologically and spiritually impoverished.

When you are feeling discomfort about money you are in the company of this latter group. Your discomfort is associated with failure, inadequacy and therefore shame. In such relationships there is a threat of shame and fear of exposure on both sides. Nobody wants to be perceived as lacking status and value.

In an ideal world people could discuss these things and grow in wisdom and insight. Because of the psychological dynamics, such discussions are seen as provocative and taboo. People resent having their veneers scratched and their defective inner surfaces exposed. What you need to do is separate your identity from your balance sheet. Then be clear about how you choose to spend your money without fear of how others will interpret or judge your choices. - Leonard Carr

SUPERNANNY

When we try to conceal the truth about our financial constraints, our energy goes into containing our emotions.

Your friends will intuitively know that something is wrong, but probably won't have a clue what it is. You are robbing yourself and your friends of a complete friendship for as long as you pretend all is well.

A simple honest comment - when the next gathering is being arranged - is probably the best option, but come prepared with some alternatives such as assertively suggesting a restaurant that is within your means as the next meeting point.

By offering options for group activities that you can afford, you are also showing the group that it is the shared experience that counts rather than the size of the bill. - Stephanie Dawson-Cosser

I have a colleague who sometimes asks for a lift to work and insists on paying me. I feel bad taking his money. What should I do?

SHRINK RAP

If only all the struggles in the world could be about kindness and decency. You value the kindness of saving your colleague from an expense more than the money which you were spending anyway. He values dignity and not feeling beholden more than he values money. You can honour both of your values by agreeing on less than he wishes to pay and more than what you wish to take. - Leonard Carr

SUPERNANNY

It seems your colleague does not want to feel indebted to you. He would be paying for his transport anyway, and he is applying the same logic by paying you.

If you are not comfortable keeping the money, then give it to a charity or a beggar.

This way your willingness to assist has a life beyond the trip in the car. - Stephanie Dawson-Cosser