Parrots' speak made this writer shriek 'eek'

Welcome again to this, the world's most interesting newspaper column (written by the most devilishly handsome man in journalism).

In keeping with my commitment to bringing you the most insightful, most pertinent business intelligence, it behoves me to alert you to the momentous news that last week the Advertising Standards Authority ruled that a Boksburg restaurant must stop advertising its claim that it has the best steaks on the East Rand.

The ruling followed a complaint from a customer who was ticked off by the fact that the restaurant in question, Parrots, didn't allow him to take home a doggy bag.

The ASA informed the complainant that doggy bags were outside of its usual remit but, determined to have a go at the restaurant, the customer reported their advert, carried in a local knock-and-drop newspaper. The ASA found the restaurant was unable to back up its claim that it had the best steaks on the East Rand, and ordered it to henceforth stop claiming such.

I think the ASA was a bit harsh on Parrots because all the time companies claim to be the best, the biggest, the most popular, the most whatever. This past weekend 's Sunday Times, for instance, carried a large advertisement for the SA Gold Coin Exchange, which claimed to be "still South Africa's randiest hedge". Just for the sake of making mischief, I was tempted to contact the ASA to complain that there was no way a company could claim that any one investment was hornier than any other, just to see what the authority made of that.

In my fridge I have a pack of boerewors I bought this morning at my local Checkers - and which, as I write, I have every intention of eating for dinner with mashed potato and a slightly piquant tomato-and-onion relish and frozen peas.

The packaging on the wors states that I have in my possession a "limited edition" sausage that is "SA's top favourite". It seems this grandiose claim is backed by the fact that "You voted for your favourite".

I don't remember communicating with anyone at Shoprite-Checkers on the subject of traditional South African sausage, but I suppose they went through some sort of number-crunching opinion polling, the results of which they can show to the ASA should anyone complain - which is what the management of Parrots East Rand could not do. I might be paid a king's ransom for writing the world's greatest column, but it's not enough to justify the expense and hassle of driving to Parrots in the East Rand Galleria shopping mall to see how good their steaks really are.

If I drove all that way and didn't finish my steak, and then wasn't allowed to take home a doggy bag, I would feel mightily aggrieved. So I can't claim to know anything about the quality of the fare on offer at Parrots East Rand.

But I do have the internet and it bears mentioning that, whatever the quality of their dining experience, it seems Parrots doesn't believe in paying for copywriting or proofreading. The words on www. parrotsrestaurant.co.za are not great. Whoever wrote them is fond of the word "which" but doesn't understand how to use the darn thing. ("Which" is a tricky word and, unless you are being very specific, you are often better off using "that".)

The site also contains such clangers as "Guateng" and "tartar sauch". Come on, Parrots People, please take the time and expense necessary to get one of your most important communication tools looking and reading proper. Oh, and whichever would-be Hemingway you yanked out of the kitchen to come up with "on the go busy bodies or strolling along families" must go nowhere near the marketing department.

· In case you're wondering, my vaunted claims about this column's place in the hearts of the world's reading public are derived from a scientific survey conducted in December 2013 among a representative sample of four elderly ladies at the Damant Lodge retirement home in Port Alfred. The fact that their ranks include my mother is of no material statistical relevance.