The Big Read: I've had it in ice buckets

"When it comes to charity," my Uncle Jerry always said, "don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing!"

This was a confusing expression, especially since one of his other favourite sayings was "Always remember, one hand washes the other, my boy!"

What could this mean? How could two hands engaged in an act of mutual hygiene be entirely oblivious to the true nature of each other's actions? Were they like two housemates with Alzheimer's sharing a bath? Two short-memoried goldfish wrestling in a bowl? "Hey! Who are you? What are you doing? Ow! Take that! Hey! Who are you? What are you doing? Ow!"

But apparently the left-hand, right-hand thing comes from the apostle Matthew, which is a little surprising since the closest my Uncle Jerry ever came to a Bible was in the top drawer of the bedside table in his motel room when my Aunt Molly threw him out of the house. She threw him out many times and for many reasons, including the time she caught him drinking brandy from a hot-water bottle while he thought she was taking a bath.

It's supposed to mean that when you're giving to charity, it's nobler if you don't make a fuss and hullabaloo about it, although Aunt Molly always said that the reason Uncle Jerry never made a fuss or a hullabaloo about his charitable donations wasn't because he was noble, it was because he never made any charitable donations. Aunt Molly was Uncle Jerry's third wife and a fine woman, but not always inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But what did the apostle Matthew know about charity, anyway? I can tell without even googling him that St Matt wasn't social-media savvy. He probably never whipped up a viral campaign in his life. St Matthew is so old-fashioned he still thinks viruses are caused by coveting your neighbour's goat.

I bet the Mattster never even poured a bucket of ice over his head, and it's not only him: there's no mention in the records of any of those apostles doing much ice-cube interaction, which seems both uncharitable and short-sighted because what's the point of turning all that water into wine if you aren't at least going to chill it? What, they served red wine at a day wedding? They toasted the happy couple at room temperature? Have you been to Cana in August? Yeah, thanks for the warm chardonnay, guys - it's a nice thought but I think we're still going to want a wedding present before you get any food.

The ice-bucket challenge is the latest evidence that humankind grows more altruistic by the year. In the old days if people wanted to contribute to a good cause they'd have to donate their time or bake cakes for a sale. Now they can just video themselves enjoying a cold top-down douche and show all their friends. It started a few months ago, when the American summer started. By the time our summer comes around, South Africans will be sweatily copying the latest northern-hemisphere charity trend of posting videos of themselves wearing mittens and sipping cocoa.

Some doubting Thomases and lazy Lukes and dirty Marks question the social value of ice-bucket challenges, but I say they're terrific because they eliminate the need for all that inconvenient, elitist volunteering and understanding the issues and engaging with the cause. Also, giving your time is all very well, but it doesn't do the most important work of a charity, which is raising awareness.

There's been so much awareness raised on social media about so many things, it can't be long until we're all aware of everything and living in paradise. Right now Joseph Kony is looking nervously over his shoulder, muttering, "People on Facebook are aware of me. I think I'd better pack it in."

There's the excellent Movember campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of too much empty irony in our diet, and earlier this year was the even more excellent campaign of having women post selfies without make-up, which raised awareness for, um, I can't remember what, exactly, but definitely something with women, because when I posted myself without make-up no one seemed to care. It was a good multifaceted campaign, because it gave a lot of charitable souls the creative challenge of seeing how much make-up they could use while still pretending they weren't, and it reinforced the valuable social lesson that one of the bravest things a woman can do is let her friends see her without lippie.

So don't listen to the cynics, good people: go out there and pour some ice on your head and raise awareness about yourself. If you don't tell us how charitable you are, how will we ever know?