Go on, we dare you to ignore these tips

December is a time for beige and putty-coloured offices to somehow become even more depressing with the appliance of tinsel. Most disturbingly, it's a time for the unavoidable office Christmas party - a time of damage limitation and bizarre human behaviour.

You drown in a sea of banter, watch your colleagues performing mating rituals to Lady Gaga disco mixes, see management types beating their chests like primates, and observe grown-ups snog like it's happy hour in the monkey enclosure.

Yes, Christmas for the human "employee" can be an endurance challenge up there with the Olympic decathlon or Homer's Odyssey (just reading it).

To help you make it through this most treacherous of festive journeys with your reputation intact, follow these strict guidelines for having a good time - but not too much of a good time. Remember this is your job, you need to keep hold of it.

Resist the urge to start networking

Know which rung of the ladder you're on and stick to your kind - there's a time and a place for discussing your role in the company with the big cheeses, and three bottles of wine down with a bit of meatball between your teeth isn't it.

Abide by a strict curfew

This one's an exact science - you don't want to be the boring colleague who went home first, but far worse is to be the lone ranger at the end going around pleading "where to now guys?" like you're secretly homeless. Basically, wait until everyone's thoroughly sloshed and at least five other people have left, then just stroll off into the night without so much as a handshake.

Don't overdo it if it's fancy dress

Nothing is more depressing than seeing The Little Mermaid self-consciously shuffling around by themselves, or looking on while Batman throws up in a bin. It's almost as if fancy dress was solely designed to compound your feelings of dissatisfaction, hence only minimal effort is required here. Get some of those glasses with a fake nose and moustache, that should do it.

Don't drink the shots

The moment you arrive at your destination marks the start of a countdown to someone saying "shots?", to which the correct answer is always "no, absolutely not, thanks". Unfortunately, in these kinds of cretinous situations, saying no to shots can draw unnecessary attention and paint a very grey picture of you, so the trick is to heartily agree like it's the best idea of all time, then basically not drink them.

Remember - the vast majority of heinous work party crimes can all be traced back to Sambuca.

Keep all of your clothes on

Nakedness is obviously a no-no, but even down at the other end of the spectrum you'll find an array of frequent crimes that must be outlawed. Chiefly, wearing a tie around your head and pretending to be Rambo. Please don't.

Don't take the opportunity to air your grievances

This is the office Christmas do, it's not the universe providing you with a serendipitous moment when you can finally unburden yourself of your woes; the universe doesn't do things like that - and even if it did, it probably wouldn't be at 11.13pm on a Tuesday with you basically crying in a pub toilet while everyone else fights the urge to start laughing. Like all negative feelings, you should keep these to yourself, and let them gently gnaw away at your soul forever.

Only dance if you really have to

Don't let the most vivid memory of the night become your unfitting tribute to John Travolta, where you fell over during an elaborate spin taking three people down with you.

Don't snog anyone

Every year at every single office Christmas party, an unlikely pair will spring from nowhere - both probably married to other people - to brazenly French kiss each other in full view of absolutely everyone. This will always happen, but should never ever be you.

- ©The Daily Telegraph